Jesus, I'm going to miss them. Really. I don't know what to do. This means that everyone has their spring/Easter breaks. Apparently they last up to a month or something. We never had that much time off in school. Boo.
Well, anyway, I've gotten so addicted to people's diaries that I don't know what to do without them. It's sad really, it just shows how I don't have a life. But it really made me feel like crap.
I didn't realize P. would have a break. It never even crossed my mind. A whole month. I've grown used to him. And now that coffee has left the 'net it feels like he's the only (ex?) asher around. And soon he'll be gone too. I can't even begin to imagine what will happen in a months time. Weird. Really weird.
Even Tara's offline. Rob's still not updating, B hasn't been around for ages and even the sindicate hasn't been updated for a long time. It's starting to feel like everyone goes away and just leaves me here. *sniiiiff* That would be my own problem actually. Had I talked to them, ever, they might know I exist and write me snailmail or something. Or something… At least Chaospixie's appeared again. I'm starting to feel real removed. I never thought it'd happen here, on-line, because somehow it's just… on-line. It's not like I knew the people who'd leave me. I've just grown accumstoned to them in a way. Now I don't know what to do without them.
Although I shouldn't have any difficulties keeping myself busy.
I already miss P. though. I don't know why but that hit me a bit harder than the others. Well…not really. But anyway.
I've been crying today over Coffee. It hurts, you know. He's always been on ash, all the time I've been there. And that's a long time. I know it's stupid but it still makes me cry. I don't know what to wish for him, I have nothing to say. I just wish I could make him know somehow what he has meant over the years. Because there's nothing I could say, nothing that'd have enough meaning. I don't know what… I don't what I'd do for him because… there's nothing to be said or done. Nothing would be… enough. I will miss his comments, that is all. I will miss him greatly. For a while.

He's real, you know. Somewhere there, in the us, he's flesh and bones and mind and soul. And he feels pain and doubt and joy and perhaps something else, perhaps not those emotions. He's real, there, somewhere. There's nothing I could wish for him. There's nothing I would want to change for him because I don't know. I don't know what's for the best. I don't know what he wants. It's so easy to say things, it's so easy to say 'peace' and mean it. It's so easy to forget. It's so easy to feel pain for someone else without knowing them. You think it's someting… something different than it's for you. That the person in question isn't real, because he isn't. He isn't you. You won't feel him like you feel yourself. In the end he always goes away. And that's what bothers me with saying anything. I can't say anything to him because I'd do it only because I wished him those things. It wouldn't ever make a difference, it wouldn't ever change anything for him. It'd just be meaningless chatter, in a way. Even if I meant it, it wouldn't mean that much to him, you know. It wouldn't change anything for him. Because I wasn't there, because I'm not there. There's words but words hold no real power. And what I want for him, it's so much more. Something one can hold on, something he could hold on to, and I know I can't give it, I know it isn't possible, not here, not now, not ever. Because you can't give such things to other people, you can't share them like they were you. Because they're always different from you. Always something else. The next best thing is deeds and words. But I have no words to give. Because I never had before, why would I have now?
It's funny, how I always forget that everything ends.

Perhaps he will be back but I'm not sure anymore if I will. I don't know if there's ever another chance. Another life.
I selfishly wish there was because that would ease my pain. Even if the pain will always end, some day.