It's
amazing how much just reading stuff can hurt me. It's my own
fault, I shouldn't be reading ash when the trolls are there but
lately the trolls just seem to stay and stay. I wish they went
away. I'm tired of the yelling and I'm tired of the arguments on
whether suicide is an acceptable option and I'm tired of people
who tell us it's only a phase that'll pass.
I'm tired of the trolls. I'm tired of the argument. I can't stand
it. It's in written form and still it's loud enough to make my
ears ring and my head spin and it makes me feel like screaming.
The worst thing is, it actually makes me want to kill myself,
right there and then and I really don't need that extra pressure
right now.
So I shouldn't be there. But who else would I listen to?
There's no one in my world, mostly because I've wanted it that
way because there aren't any people here with whom I could talk
about the important stuff. And it drains me to talk with people
who have nothing interesting to say, with whom I can't be yelf.
So I ostracize. It's easier that way.
That's why the internet actually is the only place I ever hear
people talking about anything and where I feel able to express my
opinions if there's something I need to say (there usually isn't
anything though).
It just hurts so much to have the people I like to listen to
arguing and yelling at each other and at a lot of other folk. I
wish it wasn't so. I wish I could have some place where you didn't
have to watch people belittle and berate others. And it makes me
sad and it makes me frightened and it really makes me want to run
so far away I'd never have to deal with another human being ever
again.
You know, I'm most envious about the peace the dead have. They never have to talk to anyone ever again. That's why dying is so tempting, everything would be quiet and empty.
I
had a chat with someone aeons ago about what the perfect world
would be like. I said it's be like a huge library with loads of
books and no people. It's be quiet and peaceful. He agreed with
that, said he'd send a car for me when he'd find that place.
I've never before and never afterwards felt as close to anyone as
I felt then.