15.5.2000
The point of the day before yesterday's long, long ramble (if there is a
point) is that I doubt I'll have time to do lots of things I'd
like to do. I don't have time for anything fun for a while. By
fun I mean things like re-desingning, keeping other parts of this
place (links, such) updated. Not updating makes me feel I'm not
caring enough of this place and I really hate sites with content
that dates back a year and some promise that says that it will
soon be updated (what's soon to those people? two years or what?).
I'd really like to care more about this site but I don't have
enough energy for it even now (which you at least should have
noticed). All kinds of updates are lacking. It's no surprise
really, but it annoys me.
I'll probably continue updating the journal because I'll have to continue writing it anyway. I can't live without writing. And that's only a small over-estimation. If I can't write, I bottle everything up inside me and that'll make me feel terrible. I need to see everything written, the words are the important part. The words are the only way for me to deal with things. It's helps me to get everything out of myself, seeing them, being able to read everything through afterwards makes me feel relieved when I stop. I feel better when I get it out of myself, in a form that can be seen. I can't think them through the same way. I can't even talk them through. I need to write because when I write the only thing I concentrate on is what I'm saying. That's why so many things here are such rambles (at least it feels like it. the insides of my head is a mess when I write it. I doubt the things I write are any clearer, alhtough I don't know, really). I don't pay attention to how I'm saying the things I'm saying.
However, there's a problem. In order to write this journal I need to open the computer and sometimes that's too much to do, especially if I only have time to update this at night. I write anyway but I can do it by hand too. And more often than not I do that because I think a lot of things before I fall to sleep (because it takes me hours to fall asleep and that does makes me bored). It's a pain in the ass to try to re-write them again so I end up not doing that quite often. So there. I think I've written enough on this subject for now.