14.5.2000
And today, today's Mother's Day.
It doesn't get really dark anymore.
The sky's always a bit lighter than it should be.
This spring is soon over. Next month is considered summer here.
And the following. And then the Autumn comes. I'm sad actually.
Despite everything this spring has been a very good time to be
alive. I wouldn't want to give up on it. I wouldn't want it to
end. The entrance exams will begin soon. The take me across the
country for a few weeks, perhaps. And when they're over I'm
probably going to go sailing for a while. After that I'll have
nothing to do exept to wait for the uni results. I don't know
what I'm going to do then. I don't know what to do after I get
them.
It's odd. I won't be online that much anymore. I won't have time. I'll have to do all sorts of real-life things. And after I get the results I'll have to decide what to do next. It'll be terrible if I don't get in. It's stressing and tiring and also the most likely thing to happen. But at least I've tried to do something about it.
Anyway, I have to move out next Autumn, whatever happens. It means paying my phonebills unless I go to Turku and get the flat where there's a permanent internet connection (which is what I'm kind of hoping for). And I'll also have things to do, I'll have to study, work, socialize (in a way, at least), all that kinds of things. I can't sit here anymore and just be happy about not having to go anywhere. I'll have to be a real human again, at least act like one, and this year has been so good partly because I didn't have to do just that. It's been good also because I never had to wake up too early and because I've been able to do things with my own pace, no one's been pushing me around. I hate schedules. I hate it when I have to take a certain class at certain time, do things like others say I need to.
It's going to be weird. And I'm
going to miss this year.
I read some earlier journal entries from years ago and there I
swore that I'd take a year off after 12th grade. I suppose I did.
I could've gotten to a few schools, actually. I chose not to go.
I didn't tell that to my parents though. They would've forced me
go there, probably. I figured it wasn't a risk worth taking. So I've
just been slacking off. But at least I've been relatively happy.
There's been no excess stress. I've gotten a few good nights of
sleep.
You know, it's been good. The whole of it has been pretty
enjoyable. I've found people I like. I've done stuff I've always
wanted to do but never had time to do before. I even bought my
mother a mother's Day present, on my own :)
I already miss this.
Of course the spring isn't over
yet. There's still a few weeks, two in fact, till the first exam.
The 30th of May, remember to wish me luck then :) Two weeks means
that I won't be around much, I think. Now all my energy goes to
studying (or should at least). It's important. I really want to
get in. Probably. I doubt I'll have enough energy to ponder and
wonder about everything and even write about it. The writing part
is the hard one. I don't know though. Sometimes things don't work
out like they're supposed to. Like I thought they would.
The thing is, this year I know where my boundaries are. I know
when I'll break. I also know how to stop myself from breaking, I
hope at least. Which is something very important.
I don't know… I'm hoping I'll come back but I don't know.
Right now it feels like I should give up. Like I should say a few
goodbyes. Because whatever happens, I won't be exactly the same
person I was this spring. There'll be little changes, so small
you can barely notice them.
I've relied so much on this
somputer screen, you know. It's like a friend, almost. I can
whine, I can cry, I can scream, I can do anything and it never
backfires on me.
I don't know if you ever go through this. You know there's a step
you need to take but you wouldn't want to take it, because it
means giving up on something you've cherished for a long time.
Well, of course, you must have. I think so at least. A lot of
people have to. Moving on is just sometimes painful. This time it
isn't too painful. Last spring it was. Last spring it was too
much for me to do. So I'm different from what I was last spring
too. Now I'm supposed to… continue. Move on, become this
weird person who does school-work again, who cooks and who reads
and understand, who talks to people, who writes essays. And it's
quite hard. This year I've been able to crawl up inside me, close
my eyes, make it go away for another while, but this year I can't
anymore. Responsibility. It's so adult, so dull, so demanding.
Something I'd rather not do. I realized yesterday, when I went
outside to buy a present, that it isn't so damn difficult, not
this time. I'm quite attached to the part of me who's
melodramatic, who writes rants about things that have nothing to
do with reality, who goes to sleep with a piece of world that
doesn't exist with her. I like being introspective, I like spending
time trying to figure out how I feel. It's safe, in a way. And it's
more real than some things. It isn't necessarily any easier than
living like a 'normal' person but it's how I'm used to do it this
year.
For some reason, summer always makes me feel like something was
ending. It's the ending of the school year, it's the end of
seeing some people, it's the ending of some things you've done
for a long time. Endings and beginnings. The beginning is the
easy part, actually. I can always begin. The ending, the giving
up… that's what makes me melancholy, that's what makes me
want to write a few more lines than I meant to.
You know why (partly why, at least) I've never actually killed myself? Because I've never been able to give up on anything. Not even the hurt. It's something I own, it's something that's mine. I can't give up on it because I'd be left with nothing except the pain of giving up. And I can't bear that. I can cope with what I have already but I can't take more of it. Not even for those fast few seconds that I'd still exist.
I'm scared, you know. I'm supposed
to do all these things I'm not entirely sure if I can do. I'm
supposed to go through exams and then I'm supposed to wait for
the results. And it just feels like something so huge, so…drastic.
I know it can't go any other way than it goes (there's no belief
in destiny in this, it's simply that when something happens, that
overrules of all options that could have happened, of course.)
but it still makes me wonder. Right now I could probably still
effect the possible outcome of things. I don't know if I'm doing
my best. I know I can't do any more though. It'd be too much and
I've had enough of 'too much' to this date. I don't know if it's
good enough. I don't know what to do if it isn't. I can tell that
I'm in better position than last year. I just don't know if it's
enough. I don't know if anything's ever enough. I can't be anyone
else than I am though. I can't study more if I can't. Sometimes I
wonder if I could.
I'll have time to think later on. I'll have time to go through
everything. And if I do too much now, if I run around like
someone was chasing me… I'll never make it to the point
where I could think, where I could feel, where I would have time.
I don't know if I'll be back. I can't think of coming back. I can't
think of still being alive. My image of the future doesn't exceed
two weeks. Two weeks I know I'll live. But after that, I don't
know. But we're supposed to live one day at the time, aren't we?
---
When the schools start again in the Autumn, when the summer holidays are over, there will be some diaries that aren't updated anymore. Some of them come back later, delete the whole thing, and/or leave a note saying that they got a life/fell in love/whatever and that they aren't going to update any longer. Some of them just disappear, without a word. Maybe they forgot their password, maybe they died, maybe they got married. And I'll never know what happened to them. That's what I dread about the summer, the change. There's going to be some diaries gone which I liked, and I'll never know what happened to the authors. And it takes time to find new diaries to like. The internet is so full nowadays, there are so many 31337 DOODZ and whatever wannabies. It's getting harder to find anyone/anything anymore. I'm always afraid people will get a life. Or a death.