Ah, the uselessness of it all.

Last night I spent a great amount of time listening to a radio-shrink. Originally I had meant to browse through as many radio stations that broadcast abroad as possible (it's one of my favourite hobbies when I can't sleep, at night-time you can hear lots of places) but I somehow got stuck with the radio-shrink. You know, like Frasier. People call in and talk about how their life sucks and the shrink murmurs something in (dis/)agreement occasionally. There were lots of people during those three and half hours (I felt pity for the shrink). I learnt a great deal of things. For example, if you're male (obviously) and have moustache, you're more prone to violence than other men because having a moustache means your estrogen levels are higher than usual. If you masturbate four to five times a day and get a headache, you should go and see the doctor because it's likely the headache isn't masturbation-related. And the mental hospitals in Benelux countries are better than here because there's more space. And for god's sake, never guarantee anyone's loan ( I heard a lot of sad stories about people who had been stupid enough to do that) and it looks very much like another depression is coming (the last one was about ten years ago, in case you didn't notice or live here).

Not all of those who call are total whackos. I've listened to the program before, but there's a certain amount of rather, shall we say, odd theories presented. Like the thing about men with moustache. But I've never liked moustache anyway, so that shouldn't be a problem. I heard horrid stories occasionally. There's always the ones who have been gang-raped and the ones who want to kill themselves and the ones who see things that aren't there and the old ones who are beaten up by their children on a regular basis. I listened to it for three and half hours because it was strangely comforting. The shrink had the ideal voice, listening to it almost made me fall asleep. The stories made me cry, occasionally, and it put things into perspective in a way. And it was good to know there was someone listening, had I needed to talk.

I used to see a shrink for… nine months, I think. I was meant to see her for a lot shorter time, like for two months or something, but she kept giving me more appointments. I didn't like her, she was scary as hell and I never really had the chance to say anything because she kept asking questions all the time. We didn't get along, really. The radio-shink sounded wonderful, I liked his voice. I liked the fact that I didn't have to go and see him every week and that I didn't have to know what he looked like.
Sometimes it was hilarious. I know it sounds quite terrible, but the times the caller just kept talking and talking about the same thing over and over again and the shrink was desperately trying to stop them because it was the time for the news and it ended up in total chaos. Well, not really, but something like that. And there were some things that made me giggle hard because I was just too hysterical to take anything seriously.

I decided the program is absolutely wonderful though. And very helpful, even. There was one letter I could totally relate to and even if the shrink said nothing useful and the caller neither, it was relieving to know there are others like me in this world. Of course I knew it already, but I sometimes need a reminder.

And I'm more than convinced right now that I shall never ever guarantee anyone's loans. It was the topic with the most discussion that night. There were people who had signed the paper without thinking and had millions to pay back (and of course would never be able to do that). If there's one mistake I'm going to avoid, it's loans. I'll do anything to avoid having to take loans. My family were extremely lucky in '93 and years like that when the last depression was at it's worst. We almost had the house paid and neither of my parents lost their jobs. Considering that every other bloke in our little suburban was unemployed, we were very lucky. I just keep thinking that it's happening again. The economists say it's happening again, the people are worried. We're worried because we're the ones who have to pay it.
"If there's one thing to learn from history it's that no one learns anything from history." I'm worried, even if it's very unlikely I'll get into trouble even if there is a depression but it makes me worried because there are a lot of people who will be in trouble the second they lose their jobs. It's such a short time since the last depression, it was, not over, but getting better in '95 and there are a lot of people who have never gotten over it.

And it left a lot of marks on a lot of people. I'm extremely angsty about getting a student loan because I'm afraid Iwon't be able to pay it back, my sister and all her friends are avoiding loans at all cost, but the generation before that, before the depression, they took loans. And a lot of them too. There was no talking about going to work and financing their studies that way but it was chrystal clear that one should take the loan. Now no one thinks like that. At least no one I know.
I don't want another national economy catastrophe, actually. I'm tired of them. I'm tired of the unemployment rates and the health care difficulties and the way too high taxes. I'm tired of thinking what I should study in order to get a job at some point. I'm tired of all the money related issues. I never want to deal with economy again. I don't want bank disasters and higher taxes and useless trials where no one gets convicted and I'm tired of everyone ripping off the people who have no money anyway and letting those ones who did all the damage just walk away.

Mind you, there was a survery at some point, which proved that the kids like me who were in their early teens during the depression are more depressed than usual, more than the previous generations. This is thought to be because of all the crap the depression caused. We were old enough to realize. And stuff like that.

I'm sick of this society. I don't want to have anything to do with it again. I just don't. It makes me feel so sick. All the years I've read the newspapers the news have always been the same. There's always too many unemployed and too little money to take care of the ill, elderly, and otherwise handicapped. There's always some big evil people who do their best to get rich and always so many not so evil people who do their best to be rich and there's endless whining on taxes and everything one could ever think of. And I'm so tired of it. I'm just so fucking tired of it. I just want to go to bed and stop noticing anything. I'm tired of being worried and tired of feeling bad about everything and tired of feeling so powerless and useless. And I just don't want any national catastrophes again. Please.

Now that this rant is over, I'm gonna study again. The facts provide the necessary distraction.
It's snowing, once again.