2001-09-07
I want to forget. Oh no. I want to scream and shout and erase myself from my memories. I don't want to remember what I did to you, what you did to me, what we did to ourselves. I want to erase my memories. Especially the memory of your voice that echoes in my ears sometimes when I try to be quiet and calm. It makes me shiver and it makes me ashamed because I remember how I couldn't talk to you. I would've wanted to, but I couldn't. I don't think anyone can understand how much it hurts me. Not unless you're a mutist like me. And sometimes, when you can't control that... oh. I'm so sorry sometimes. I could've changed something. I could've made it all right.
And I couldn't. I wasn't able to. I'm this... pathetic loser who can't do anything. And sometimes that makes me lose faith. More often than not. I can't make anything all right even if it was up to me. Because it doesn't feel like it was something I could decide. I can't decide when I talk and when I can't. If I could've, I would've made all the speeches in school, I would've been normal and fine. I didn't want the teasing the tears brought. I can't have wanted that. I just couldn't open my mouth.
You don't know what it feels like.
So... I want to jump out of the window to escape memories like that. Memories of everything falling apart. I can't get them out of my head unless I destroy my head. And I want to forget. I want it so badly.
I have to live with those images in my head. Those memories of failure and pain. I remember them every day, I can't help it. They're like recurrent nightmares but I can't wake up. That's why I want to sleep so much. That's why I want to die so much. To get rid of them. To get rid of the voices in my head.