It's been
almost exactly a year (or two?) since I last time saw my name on
someone's page. That someone was a very special person and I do
miss him. I wish he would've stayed in contact. But I suppose i
was too boring for him or too scary for him or then he just had
other stuff to do in his life (and I'm inclined to believe he
actually had a real life (tm) unlike me).
I don't know why I'm so sad today. Everything reminds me of
people I've lost contact with and things I never had and it feels
like there's nothing in my life that was there just two years ago.
And those things were important things, important persons.
I wish I was up to know people, to have relationships, friends.
Right now my life is empty, there's no one here. And sometimes it
feels like I've turned invisible just because no one ever talks
to me, because no one notices.
(It's up to me, I know, I should keep in contact, I should act.)
It's raining,
in the end of February. It should snow in February but I guess
something has turned upside down once again and we get what we didn't
expect. I've missed rain. I feel less alone when the sky cries
with me.
I don't think I really meant to alienate all my friends. Ex-friends,
now. I just couldn't deal with them. What bothers me is that I
never really considered them friends, exept one whom I didn't
ever know in real life. But the girls, they were just some people
who wanted to hang out with someone. It wasn't like they wanted
to hang out with me. Just sombody.
And I guess I felt the same way.
Sometimes I feel so very old. Old&tired, for no apparent reason.