I'm not an interesting person so that's why I write here. I could never get anyone to listen my ramblings in real life :)
explanation of self (to self):
I'm an extremely unbalanced
personality. To the extent that my emotions are known to range
from extremely miserable to extremely happy and to extremely
angry within the period of five seconds on a regular basis. My ex
called me the most incongrous person she had ever known. I'm just
like that. I write a million paragraphs on how miserable I am and
then I go downstairs and am happy. Not always, of course.
Occasionally I'm worse. Then I'm just miserable and angry.
I also need huge amounts of sleep. Apparently, anyway. I've never slept long enough to feel better. But that's just the depression talking.
I need to separate my depressed self and my normal self. My normal self is balanced and okay and polite and 'normal', my depressed self is terrible and whiny and impolite and angry. I'm always socio-phobic though. When I'm not depressed I'm not that avoidant, that's the difference. When I'm depressed I can't bear to see people or talk to people. And I can't really stand myself either. Which is why I am angry and angsty and act ridiculously.
I have cyclical depression. Winter makes it worse. Darkness makes is worse. On average day in December there's six hours of daylight. It's also almost always cloudy which makes the darkness a lot worse (there's hardly any difference between the day and the night). I can't do anything during winter-time. Or I can but I'm not myself. I feel terrible, I'm exhausted all the time, I cut more than usual, I can't get anything done (like thinking, for example). When the spring comes I'm usually a bit better. However, like you can see if you read what I've written, it's only a bit better. The light makes everything easier (like my concentration, for example) but I'm still extremely down quite often. Partly this is because my life hasn't been all that nice and occasionally the memories come back and hount me. Partly because (this year, only) my grandmother died this spring and partly because of stress. I have a huge load of stress on my shoulders because of university entrance exams and all the qualifications I have to fulfill. And because of the social phobia. It's something that constricts my life and makes me angsty and afraid most of the time.
The social phobia and
memories never really go away. They contribute to my depression
more than anything else combined and that's why things are often
less than well in my life.
Unfortunately I'm not a good person to be with when I'm feeling bad. I get so angry at myself I have to get it out somehow. Usually I don't mean to be mean to others but instead to myself. My communitation skills aren't the best and I often end up hurting others without meaning to do so, just because I'm agry and afraid and there are people who think I'm just being mean to them without considering my point of view. I usually end up with those people for some reason.
It makes me feel worse about my social skills and worse about myself. I don't really understand people. I tend to look at things very differently, according to my experience. I don't know what's up with that so I can't tell if I'm doing something wrong or what's going on. I try not to be bitter about it because occasionally I've met people who have understood what I mean and how I think and that I don't have any idea that I'm giving some people the wrong impression. It's difficult for me, I'm utterly thick-skinned and I don't understand what's so insulting about not looking people in the eye or being nervous. There's been a lot of people in my life who think nervousness means something else than what it does. I think they interpret it like I think they're terrible or something.
I read something very wise once. "Only bad people get angry at emotions." I try to think of it as my guideline in making me accept myself more and not thinking so critically about everything I do and being so perfectionist. It's very often very difficult because I tend to forget the facts and mess them up. I also put a lot of pressure on myself for various reasons but I'm trying to get rid of that habit. Anyway, currently I'm doing better some days and worse the other days but I'm still quite okay compared to what I have been and what I could be. Sometimes I just forget to look after myself properly...