8.5.2000

Today I've written two entries. I'm not going to upload either of them.
The other one was written when I was happier than in weeks, maybe months, the other one when I hurt so bad it's impossible to describe it accordingly. Sometimes I think that if I didn't feel at all it'd be better because there's only two choices when I feel, either extreme happiness or extreme pain. There's slight diversity inside those categories, but it never is anything else. Feeling something, whichever option it is, activates the other feeling too, in general. I'll slip from one option to the other one in amazing speed. This is why I could be labeled unbalanced (to put it mildly). There's no middle. Never.

Both of those entries don't tell the whole picture. And it'd be bit too confusing to put them both here.

I meant to study today but I doubt it's going to work. Right now I'm exhausted and very confused. I don't understand how some things are possible. You'd think humans have some kind of self-protecting system built inside them. Something that'd keep things in reasonable limits, feelings, thoughts, such things. Or perhaps there is and mine is just broken. I would understand that. Being broken is acceptable, I suppose. There's Broken Illusions that's one of my favourite pages. I don't think I've linked to it.

You might want to see this too: The Fantastic Life and Suicide of Mr. Mary Holiday archives. Finding out that Balloo had put them on-line was one of the reasons that made me happy today. However, the actual series isn't up, at least it wasn't when I checked it last time.

Index.