5.5.2000
"There's always someone
somewhere who's studied more than you."
I feel all encouraged. Dammit. I don't need any reminder on how
impossible it is to get in. I just managed to convince me that it
isn't completely impossible. Ugh.
I haven't updated because I haven't
felt like it. I don't want to deal with anythig that has anything
to do with humans right now. Sorry. The flu's also worse so there
isn't much time to do anything but sneeze. And I've been studying.
God. I wish I was like normal people who'd be able to study for
hours a day straight instead of being kaput after a few pages.
That's why I also didn't need the reminder of people studying
more than I do. At least I had my bliss, even if it was false.
Now I'm just nervous.
Also, I've had to change my plans a bit because it's apparently
impossible to get to Jyväskylä in the morning of the exams so I'll
have to go to Turku and do them. Ugh. And I really need to send
the papers to the universities. God.
I hate this time of year. No wonder there are unusually high
amount of suicides.
And I really wish I didn't need ten hours of sleep or more to function at all.
I'm also stayed off-line because I've wanted to test myself. Sometimes it's good to stay away for a while to clear some things. I forget to feel when I do things, it's a way of checking out how/what I'm feeling and what's going on in general. I need peace to do that. I'm such a complex thing and I'm not at all certain of the simplest thing about myself sometimes. Sometimes I just need to sit down somewhere quiet and let myself breathe. B taught me that although it did take a while for me to understand :) So last night when I sat on the pier and looked at the lake, when the sun was setting and it was so quiet that the factory humming behind my back sounded loud... I could really feel myself. I was present, not some machine I couldn't understand or touch. I could sit still without feeling ill about myself and about my life. And I didn't feel like killing myself. Everything was so peaceful, so calm, and I felt like I was in the right place. Like I was real, true, happy even. I knew the feeling would pass but it didn't bother then. It always bothered me before. I didn't want it to go away, I wanted to feel perfect all the time. It's just... sometimes I need to get away from everything. I need to sit still and forget all about everything but what's important. And sometimes then I realize things I wouldn't otherwise grasp. And I'm happier than before, more in tune with myself.
Then it's possible to forget all
about the pain, to regard life and death from a perspective,
without fear, without prejudice. And it makes me feel ready and
willing to die when the time comes, then, but not before. Not
before my time. I can't forget I'm dying, ever, apparently. But
sitting there makes me see life as a bearable way of passing time
before I go. Everything seems so natural, everything that hurts
seems so small, so insignificant. The hurt is so far away.
Meditating, B called it. I wouldn't call it that but I guess it's
basically the same thing.
There was a time in my life when I couldn't be still for a second
because everything, every place in my soul and body hurt. It's
not like that anymore. Now there are good days along with bad
days. And the bad days are more bearable. They're... acceptable,
somehow. Perhaps I just stopped caring at some point. Perhaps I
just stopped running away. There are always moments when I can't
take it. The funny things is, I still want to kill myself quite
often. Those thoughts never seem to go away. It's like
suicidality had grown under my skin. I know I'm not the only one
in this situation. I just don't know if they're still unhappy,
unhappy like before.