2.5.2000
I feel dissatisfied. I feel like I
write about boring, useless crap that no one wants to read. I'm
feeling insecure, and it annoys me. Every time I write something,
I feel like I was a half-wit. I feel like all I do is whine about
my miserable, unnecessary existence (like right now) in a pretentious
way. Self-conscious writing, something like that?
I feel like I was writing about stuff in order to sound
interesting and whatever. And when I fail in that, I feel annoyed
and disgusted at myself. Because my life simply isn't interesting.
My life consists of not sleeping properly, of anxiety attacks and
lately, for some reason, of panic attacks. Lately, meaning the
past few days I've had interesting mood swings. More accurately, they've been
horrible. I'm much more stable in the winter. Then I'm depressed
all the time without getting all shiny-happy every once in a
while for whole 6 minutes.
It's just what do I say? There's nothing to say. Not much anyway. Nothing I'd consider to be worth getting interested in if I was someone else reading what I write. (And, no, for god's sake, I wasn't insulting you. I was insulting myself. ) I could, of course, write about how I'm constantly mis-understood. Or how I have no manners or how talking to people still scares me but the shops don't anymore. But there's not much to say about that. See? I wrote it already there, and it took one line. If I'm going to write entries as long as that, I might as well stop writing altogether. I've considered that. I've done it before. There's just so much I sometimes feel like I'd want to rant about and when I try I can't. I'd like to scream how politics sucks and how wars are terrible and how hypocrite people are and godd knows what. But I can't write that. Every time I try I suddenly feel exhausted. I try to think and I try to write coherent sentences but I can't. It's like writing essays at school. Desperate to make a point but because the situation is so forced, there's no way I can make it. I want too much to say how I feel. I feel too much to write properly. And that messes it all up. And then there's the thing that someone might and probably even will read what I write. And how on earth can I write anything when someone reads what I say, and quite possibly looks at it with disgust and/or boredom? Even the possibility of that is quite nerve-wracking. And it isn't just about things I have an opinion on, it's about everything I write. I wasn't this nervous in the beginning, to be honest. I don't know when I started to care.
It's like this: "maybe I
whine too much?", "I whine too much and my whining is
boring". I just don't understand why, exactly. It's
not like I need to care what they think. It's not like anyone
would even tell me what they think. And even if they said I
sucked, I honestly think I wouldn't care. Because usually I don't.
I'm used to it, I know how to handle it. Perhaps. Maybe it's
about me being nervous that I couldn't handle it, if it happened.
I don't know. I know it would hurt a bit. And I know I would and
could let it slip through me without doing much damage. I've done
it hundreds, or maybe even thousands of time before.
I'm just nervous. And I'm not even sure about what, exactly.
There's a million posibilities. Maybe it's that I didn't really
know if anyone read this before. And I didn't know anything about
them. There's always the need to impress people. Of course I want
them to think I'm really cool and whatever. Of course I want them
to think something positive about me. And if I whine all the time,
that isn't going to happen. So it goes right back to my low self-esteem.
There was a joke between me and R that instead of having low self-esteem,
we had no self-esteem. I can't remember where it came from, but I'm
fairly certain it originated from the trip to Brighton. I don't
know. I can't remember anymore.
It's just
what do I say? I
can't be anything more than I am. I'm not even willing to be
anything else than what I am. And yet I still get stuck with this
insecurity. "They'll hate me if I say/do something stupid."
I've rationalized that thought a thousand times but apparently
never well enough. Or then it still need something else than
rationalizing. I'm quite tired of it, actually. That's partly why
I've been so annoyed lately. I hate being insecure. It messes up
everything I try to do and that doesn't help it at all. I've made
progress though. I don't read the books anymore thinking all the
time that I'm not learning anything, I'm not learning fast enough
and that I'll certainly fail the exams. Well, I think I'll fail
the exams but I don't think of it when I should study. So that's
better.
Ugh. And anyway, I feel better about this rant than about most
the previous ones I've written in the last three weeks. At least
this one is somewhat honest, even if no one bothers to read what
I write. Because honestly matters more than pleasing other people.
Strictly imho, of course.