20.5.2000 (this entry is just useless babble)
Umh. Duh. Crosswinds is down again.
That hasn't happened in a while.
Oh well.
I should be revising right now but I'm not. Big surprise? (Nope…)
Anyway, I'm tired as hell. I couldn't get much sleep and it's
even hotter outside than yesterday, which is a whole lot. Heat
makes me lethargic and I'm already lethargic enough without
the heat. So now I'm just a complete couch-potato. It took me
half an hour to read two pages today. Granted, I spent most of
the time yawning, but still… I'm so unbelievably slow. The
cool thing is that my folks are out of town again (the not cool
thing was that they woke me up to tell they were leaving) and I'm
all alone. Which is/was great because it meant I could walk
around in sleeveless things, which is something I won't be doing
very often from now on.
I should probably take my christmas lights down. I originally
hanged them up to serve as some sort of light during the nights
in the winter (because I'm afraid of the dark…) and now they're
a bit useless because it doesn't get dark enough anymore. Which
is nice, but also means I'll be sleeping less.
Damn.
</babble>
Being tired is fun fun fun! </desperate>
---
Took a walk again. It's no wonder
I'm never going to pass any uni exams because I never study. It's
useless to whine about it. It's my own fault.
I came across an odd thought today. I was watching some kids play
and I wondered how odd it was that they continued to live like
normally after my death. After my death. As far as I
know I'm not dead yet. I might feel dead but technically I'm not.
It made me feel really odd and empty after I realised what I had
been thinking.
It's disappointing to be this… morbid. I'm not having fun,
no one else's having fun. So I was in the perfect mood for the
graveyard. It always makes me feel better to go there. I like the
thought of mortality, it's comforting. At least right now, quite
often it's a source of frustration because everything's so
useless. But that's not what I feel like now, so I'm not going to
rant about it (I couldn't right now, actually, even if I wanted
to).
I'm very much tired of living today. It's not what I want, really.
Nothing's what I want.
I read a (children's) book once where a couple of kids found a
time machine. It was a time-stone actually. If they pushed it at
the right place it'd sweep them back and forth in time. It was
quite unreliable though. Anyway, they traveled in time and re-did
stuff so that everything would've been better in the present.
They were never satisfied with the results though so they kept
trying to make the present/future a better place. In the end they
were somewhat satisfied but then something happened they hadn't
expected and they decided to re-do one last thing (everything, I
suppose). This time the time-machine swept them to the future
though. The future wasn't what they had expected it to be. Things
were really horrible and their evil brother or something was
responsible for all of it because he had the time-machine at this
point. This convinced them to go back and make it so that they
never did find the machine.
It was all terribly cliché but perfect for me when I was ten or
something. I think it was what made me first think that
everything was relative. And it also made me understand how
almost everything is connected to everything else. It might not
seem like that but there's always a connection. At least I
thought so (I'm not sure if I'm thinking anymore nowadays). I can't
remember who wrote it. I can't even remember what it was called.
I could write an essay on it but I wont' bore you.
It's odd to remember things like that so clearly though. I only
read the book once.
I took a look at my hard drive the other day. I found three copies of the a.s.h. FAQ, for example. I guess I want to make sure it's available. I also found a test result from socionics. According to them I'm INTJ, which is quite different from the INTJ of the Keirsey results (and quite different from the INTP Keirsey gives me). It also fits me much better than any of the Keirsey types. Although there's some odd stuff about physical appearance. And those things are never anywhere accurate, however amusing they are. They are amusing though, that's certain. They're amusing like horoscopes are amusing, you're able to look at some meaningless text and make connections with it and your life. I've always found it rather hilarious to examine how I can interpret the most obscure references as something that's in my life (or could be).