18.5.2000

I took a walk. The beach was nice and quiet. The pier was out of the wind. I watched the sun go down.
There was a couple walking hand in hand. A happy couple, by the looks of it. I can't fall in love but on nights like these I wish I could. I wouldn't feel so lonely then. Well, I'd be satisfied with just knowing someone, having someone I like near me. Or in my thoughts. I don't have many people I could think of. Occasionally I wonder what the people I know from usenet do now. But I forget that I don't really know anyone. They're bits, letters on the screen. I don't even talk to them. I don't post to any of the newsgroups I read regularly. I don't have (usually) anything to say. I like observing people. That's why I bother to read news. It's also a way of learning new things. You learn much by just listening to people. I know a lot of inside jokes. I know them but they don't know me. I like it that way. I'd rather invisible. I always wanted to be invisible when I was a kid. I like to watch people but I don't want to be a part of it. I did want to be a part of the gang at some point but that passed. Observing is more fulfilling. People think I'm weird because of that. I guess I am. I'm the silent type who mumbles something to herself occasionally. I've met a few guys like me but no girls. I don't know what that's about. I'd rather not make any gender-based generalizations. Maybe I've just had bad luck with girls.

Last night I wrote a long rant on what happened on Sunday. It was terribly confusing. I still can't properly understand what I'm saying. I'll have to invest proper time to that. It's something I'd like to sort out because I think it's important. It's terribly straining as well. I spent hours writing one rant and afterwards I just crashed to bed. I think I'll have to make some sense of it before I can put it online. I'm quite happy about it though. Maybe I can finally start making sense of some senseless things.

Index.