16.5.2000
I can't, can I?
I listened to myself laughing a
while back. It wasn't amused. It was nervous, forced. I tried to
search for amusement inside me but there was nothing that could
be interpreted as such. There was twiching. I could feel
twiching inside myself. It was like someone was pulling my nerves
back and forth, so that the muscles they controlled shivered. So
that they twiched. There was no emotion, except for something
that felt like iron. If that's an emotion. Lifeless. And then
later I realised there was some kind of a pressure. There was
pressure. Like the pressure caused the muscles to contract, to
twitch.
It was like something was bursting through. The pressure made me
feel like my bones would bend. The tension was discharging. What
tension, I have no idea. There was no emotion. No visible emotion.
Just this curious feeling.
A purely physical feeling. I got afraid I wouldn't be able to
stop laughing. It felt like that. Like it would get out of
control, like the flow of something would take me with it. Had I
been inable to stop it, I would've ended up crying. That happens
sometimes. When everything gets out of control.
My brain isn't well tonigh. It can't stand phrase structure grammar. Everything else I can do, morphology, phonology, whatever, but I don't understand syntax. It behaves like an alien. It's weird and unpredictable and hostile.
Other things, other things... I have nothing to say. I'm tired. I'm unhappy. I'd like to go to bed but I don't want to wake up tomorrow.