27.3.2000
I don't know why I
remembered this now but it's nearly impossible to fight back when
someone strangles you. First there's the shock, and then there's
the loss of control. It does make your body feel like jelly and
even if you fight back you don't have any muscle power. You can't
scream, you can't breathe and it hurts. It makes your ears ring
and everything feels so detached. It doesn't feel real. And it
will make you panic. It will, but you don't even have enough
strength to fight back. Which is why it'd be easier to hang
oneself than count on asphyxation hanging.
Uh, thinking of that made me feel nauseated. I hate re-living
memories.
I have a feeling today won't be a very good day.
- -
I read a story about a
japanese girl one day. Someone had kidnapped her when she was
nine and she was found ten years later. Her kidnapper had kept
her captured in one darkened room for ten years, tied her up,
beat her up, let her crap herself, tortured her. They found her
ten years after that, put her to hospital. She can't stand, she
can't stand sunlight, she can't do anything. She is 19, my age.
You think she's going to be okay some day?
- - -
I've been thinking… (big surprise ;] ) I would go to hell for B, if he asked me to. Not because it's true love or something but because I know he wouldn't ask me to do it unless it was Important. I don't think I trust anyone like that. It's weird. I haven't even talked to him for almost a year but I still would go if he asked. But i have nothing to lose, actually, so I don't know if it counts. It's much easier for me to think of going to hell than think of staying alive.
- - -
Not today. I don't want to
do anything today. I just don't. I kept staring at the book
dumbfounded. I'm tired. I don't want to be here today. It's
ridiculous, I know. There's nothing wrong but the knot in my
stomach makes me feel so exhausted. I don't know how it got there.
There's nothing that sould be wrong. I'm just too exhausted to
look at the books, to decide anything.
My back hurts. I even clened my room because i couldn't think of
anything else I could do. I hate cleaning but I know it's useful,
necessary even. It's the only thing that's not useless that I can
do today.
I've been a bit hyper this weekend. Maybe not hyper… just,
ugh, I don't know. It doesn't matter. More energetic than today
anyway.
- - -
"What do you call a
cutter who moves their attentions from their arms to their legs?"
"Someone who is trying to cut down."
Agitated, restless laugh.
It's too loud to sound amused, too forced.
I need to write today anything, to stop myself feeling. I don't
want to feel, I don't want to be.
- - -
Did I tell you I'm back to
a.s.h.? Not regularly, I can't keep up with all the posts but I
do read it again. It feels like I'm back home. I mostly skip the
trolls and have learnt to use killfiles extensively. I've
never been a fan of kill-filing. It makes me feel lazy, like I
didn't care enough because i don't read everything. Which is crap,
of course.
You wouldn't believe how much has happened. And how much hasn't
happened. I don't know if anything really changes, ever. The old
regulars are mostly there, the same pain, the same misery, the
same stupid newbie questions… everything's almost like it
has always been. The only difference is that this is another time,
years later. Sometimes I think everything just keeps repeating
itself, every day we live through, it's just something that has
happened before and will happen a thousand times before we die.
The same things, happening over and over again. I don't know. I
suppose it doesn't matter.
I can't study at all. It's all been a waste of time, today.
"I'm a criminal saint, my crime compounding with time." James is going to jail, you know.
- - -
The happy news of today is: we won't be going to Tenerife.
Remember kids, you don't
want to grow up like me.
(I will go back to bed now. Good night.)