26.3.2000
I got mentioned by Equin0x again. Apparently he has read what
I've written. Which is kinda scary. I re-read some of my older
entries because I couldn't remember what I had said. Fortunately,
they weren't as terrible as I thought they'd be. There's zillions
of spelling mistakes though. I have to fix them at some point.
I don't know why but always after I've sent an e-mail I come to
think of a million thing that I actually would have liked to say
but didn't. I guess it might be the stress, I get so fixated on
having to write an e-mail that I can't even begin to think what
to say. It does get better though. Eventually.
I went to the liquoir store yesterday. All by myself. Woo. I
bought two bottles of wine for my parents. And some painkillers
for myself (no, not in the liquoir store!). My stomach is trying
to make me pass out because of the pain. Anyway.
We're changing the clocks to summer time again tonight and I'm
afraid that'll mess up our videos. It's not like I even liked
Babylon 5 but I feel it's my duty to watch the fucking babylon 5
movies that all get broadcasted tonight. I never said I wasn't
weird.
I wrote A a long e-mail about why I didn't actually want her to
see my ramblings. I promised to give her the addy of this place
if she felt terrible for not having it. I suspect she won't feel
terrible but it's possible I might have her reading what I write
soon. Which will probably mess the whole thing up.
The last time I began to have readers I freaked and deleted the
whole site. I'm trying to avoid doing that now.
I need to go take another painkiller soon.
And anyway, it's not like I have to give A the link. I
might just say no way, I changed my mind. I hope she understands
though and doesn't even want to see this.
---
My parents yelled at me for
not going to bed. I don't know why they care, it's not like I
disturb them. Perhaps they're just pissed off because they can't
sleep, not because I keep them awake (which I don't do anyway).
Equin0x said: "I read some of (-')'s earlier journal entries
today. You wouldn't know that some of them were by the same
author. It's quite shocking to go from a long, rambling entry
about music and languages to a short, painful one about death.
And yet, thinking over my past entries, I suppose my diary
exhibits those same incongruities."
I don't know what he means, actually. It isn't shocking, to me.
It might be that maybe I've spent too much time with those who
want to kill themselves. I don't know what's shocking to normal
people anymore. I put a spoiler on 'explanations' though, just in
case.
I don't remember what I have written, usually. If someone else
had written what I have and I read it I might be… upset
about it, maybe. I never thought Eq.'s entries were shocking
though. Incongruent, maybe. I don't know.
I write a lot about death then, I guess. Death is so close to me.
Closer than living. It has always been like that. I don't know if
Eq. has written… the way I do, I guess that's what I want to
say. He doesn't have a lot of disturbing stuff about death except
some poems, apparently. I don't read his poems, I read no one's
poems, they trigger me too much.
It' funny, really, it isn't what the poem says that is triggering
but the fact that someone has written a poem. I associate poems
with pain, although I might as well associate them with happiness
or something else positive like that.
I think I'll go to bed now. I have some things to think of.
- - -
I was woken up today to
decide whether we should go to Tenerife during our Easter holiday.
Or my parents' Easter holiday, it's not like I actually have one.
But anyway, I'm quite reluctant. Traveling somewhere is always
stressing and in this case the stress feels pretty useless
because I don't even want to go there. I mean, I can go and
probably will go if we end up having the possibility but I don't
want to, really. It's insignificant. I might as well go scratch
the bottom of our boat, it would be just as exciting. It's not
really worth going anywhere if you're not interested in the place.
I went to Munich a few months back and it was wonderful because I
like the place. It's not what we ended up doing there but what
the atmosphere of the city was like. And i'm so fed up with
Canary Islands. I may be a spoiled brat but those places are
disturbing. There's nothing to do, there's nowhere to go and the
hotels are full of Finnish idiots who drink too much. It's like
that everywhere. I've been to enough places to know. The package
tours are always the same. Part of why I liked Munich was
probably that we did the trip by ourselves, there were no guides
and no other tourists we would have to associate with. But anyway,
if we do end up in Tenerife it's not like we'll spend time with
the other tourists. We're rebels like that.
*sigh*
I have to go with them, most likely, because my parents said they
won't leave me here alone and if I don't go, they won't go either.
So although it wouldn't actually be my fault that they wouldn't
be able to go, I'd still feel guilty. I'm now hoping the travel
agencies are booked full and we end up going to Prague instead.
Anyway, I hate traveling with my parents especially when my
sister isn't with us (she's going to Moscow, woo). We have no
same interests, and when they end up fighting (which they will do)
I get so sick of them that I never want to see them again, get
moody and then we all start arguing with each other. The bliss of
the perfect family….
Jesus. There's another reason why I don't want to go to anywhere
south, in this case Tenerife. My scars aren't faded yet. They are
nowhere faded. It's hot in Tenerife, how on earth am I
supposed to pull off the trick of long sleeves all the time? (especially
when I only have black longsleeve tees) I have a few skirts so my
legs shouldn't be a problem. I'm such an idiot. I knew this
moment would come. And I still did cut my arms (for reasons not
to be revealed here). I just didn't think I'd have to face this
situation before summer, ie. it never dawned on me we could
possibly travel somewhere (we have loans to pay and such this
year). Life sucks and unfortunately it's all my fault. My mother
will throw a fit if she finds out I've been cutting again.
- - -
My sister has a fun
boyfriend. Something like that anyway.
I'm in a rambling mood today. I've been the whole weekend.
Sometimes there's no way I can get anything out of my mouth, I
feel all mute because there's nothing to say, and then there are
times like this when I keep rambling. I still have nothing to say
though.
It's still light outside. I
haven't gotten used to having this much daylight yet. Two months
ago it was pitch black at 4 p.m. and now it's light till 9 p.m.
It's amazing, really. It won't be long until it's light all night
and I will be so happy. I'm already feeling so much
better just because I don't have to put the lights on at 6 pm. I
don't understand how anyone can live here during the winter. It's
not the cold but the lack of light that kills me.
Spring's the time of year when most of the suicides occur here. I've
never understood why anyone would want to kill themselves when it's
getting lighter. Spring makes me feel energetic and happy and
positive. My mom and A both get depressed though and I suppose it
might be the most common thing here. It must be, actually,
looking at the suicide rates. When I was a kid I used to wonder
why everyone wouldn't just move out of here. I also wondered why
we didn't have a huge holiday when it's christmas because it's
impossible to do anything proper at that time. I think I might
have skipped the phase in childhood that teaches people
distinguish differencies between others and themselves (I can't
remember what that's called officially).
I'm tired.