25.3.2000
I managed to get thirty minutes of sleep last night. I think this is some sort of a record.
I think it might be more
interesting to write about things that have happened. But nothing
has happened. Nothing ever happens and I'm happy about that. I
like to sit home and study occasionally and watch tv and listen
to music. I have no urge to get outside and do something. And
there wouldn't be anything else to do than get drunk anyway. I'm
not a big fan of alcohol. I can't remember when I've been even
slightly drunk last time.
Not that it really matters. It's šjust that some of the
diaryland diaries I browse through/read have stuff about how they
went out and danced and got drunk and had sex and whatever. I don't
know if they really had any fun but at least those things are
generally associated with having fun. Perhaps it's more to do
with the fact that I'm not a big fan of having fun because it's
nearly impossible for me to have fun when I'm with other people.
And even if I'm alone it's difficult.
My fun consists of keeping the window open all night, painting
and looking at the sky. I also am happy when I'm sailing, or near
the sea in general (as long as I'm not in the sea). I
guess I'm pretty weird that way. I want to move somewhere without
any disturbing people whom I don't know, where it's windy and
where I can see miles around myself. I need my space.
I think I'll go eat some chocolate cake now.
- - -
I realized I hadn't mourned
my grandmother last night. The night she died I was so mad at her
for leaving me here and being a shitty grandmother at times. I
kept thinking that I lie there and blame her for everything and
she's dying. I didn't know it then but she died at the same hour
I kept blaming her. I felt horrible when I was being mad at her
because I didn't really think she deserved it.
I didn't feel horrible afterwards though. My aunt called us at
precisely 7 a.m. the next morning. I found it slightly amusing
that she was following the etiquette so carefully. It's no good
to call anyone before 7 am or after 10 pm. I didn't feel sad when
I heard she had died. I felt down for days but not sad (it's
different somehow, it was like I couldn't miss her because I
still was angry at her). THen I felt reliieved that she had died
when I thought of all the shit she had to go through her last day.
THen I was angry at everyone, expecially life because she had
suffered so much for no reason.
I spent the funeral listening the priest talk, wondering what my
funeral would be like and listening to my cousin and sister
joking about how we were always 'A's girls' but my cousin was
always called by his name. I was quite amused to hear that the
medical term of death was 'in Exitus' on thedeath certificate. I
nicked some of her clothes after the funeral came home and got on
with my life.
Until last night.
There's always some time
after the incident (whatever it is) when I don't feel anything.
Then it hits, the emotions. The worse the incident is the longer
time it takes.
I don't get on with my emotions. They're very intense, to the
point where they take over my life and I can't control them. I've
spent a long time learning to deal with them and lately it has
gotten easier to go through them without having to be emotionally
unstable for days afterwards.
Last night I spent hours thinking of my grandmother. What her
hand had felt like when I saw her the last time, how she had been
so much like me and how she had looked after me when I was a kid.
I wasn't angry anymore. It was just infinite sadness because she
was gone and I didn't want her gone. Because I miss her terribly
much.
I think I'll be better off from now on. The hard part is over.