21.3.2000

Babylon 5 ended last saturday. Well, we are always a few years behind of everything. The last episode was quite interesting. I don't know, actually, it made me feel really awful. I don't know why. It just made me hurt. It's not like it was a terrible episode but it somehow felt wrong to me. It was supposed to be all interesting and cool and stuff and in a way it was, but it still made me feel horrible. I wish I knew why.
It's getting too hot to walk around in a black winter coat and wool sweater. I don't like summer, it's too wamr for me. I can't breathe properly (it might be worth noting that I feel I can breathe properly when it's - 25 celsius).
I'm tired and my arm keeps hurting. I slept for about 13 hours last night. When I woke up I was still tired. I didn't sleep too much, it's not that. It's different when that happens. I feel so worn, so old and weak. It's nothing new really, but today it's unusually persistent. It must be because of all the stress lately, the doctors I should call but can't make myself.
Sometimes I just wish I could make someone else take the responsibility of my life. It's too much for me to bear. I'd rather give up on the whole life- thing.
It's almost 4 p.m. and I haven't done anything today (except written a lot). I saw weird dreams last night. There were a lot of people I knew and lots of snakes that had run away and it was generally pretty odd. I can't remember it properly, it was so... much in pieces. Everything seems to be in pieces right now. Falling to pieces.

I meant to call the doc today but I woke up so late and at first I didn't feel like calling at all. It can't really do any harm if I don't call now. I should have called years ago. I don't like doctors. I don't think I like anything, honestly. At least I can't think of anything I'd like, except sleeping maybe. And that's just because I can get away then. I like getting away.

I think I'm ill, actually. I don't feel well. I never feel well but this is something else. I can hardly breathe. I never notice when I have fever btw. I feel unusually tired but I never realize I might be ill. It's like my brain stopeed working then.
I haven't been ill since last october, I think. I like being ill. I like hospitals also. When I'm ill I never have to do anything which is really nice. I need to have a proper reason to justify lying in bed all day and usually only fever is a proper reason. Being ill is nice also because I don't have to really be alive then, I don't have to give a shit about anything, I can just lie in bed and concentrate on muscle pain and it keeps me completely happy. I don't really like the pain though, I just enjoy the free time I have. Being ill prohibits me from thingking of anything quite efficiently. I like it when I don't have to think. That's why I like sleeping too. It's so brain-activity - free.

Daria isn't on today. There's politics instead. Not fair. I dislike politics. It's so hypocrite.

- - -

I'm afraid I'll loose this tranquility. It's everything I have. It's all I need. I don't want to loose my peace, my sky, my vision. I'm more afraid of that than I'm of death.
The world is so beautiful under the sunlight.

Index.