21.3.2000
Babylon 5 ended last
saturday. Well, we are always a few years behind of everything.
The last episode was quite interesting. I don't know, actually,
it made me feel really awful. I don't know why. It just made me
hurt. It's not like it was a terrible episode but it somehow felt
wrong to me. It was supposed to be all interesting and cool and
stuff and in a way it was, but it still made me feel horrible. I
wish I knew why.
It's getting too hot to walk around in a black winter coat and
wool sweater. I don't like summer, it's too wamr for me. I can't
breathe properly (it might be worth noting that I feel I can
breathe properly when it's - 25 celsius).
I'm tired and my arm keeps hurting. I slept for about 13 hours
last night. When I woke up I was still tired. I didn't sleep too
much, it's not that. It's different when that happens. I feel so
worn, so old and weak. It's nothing new really, but today it's
unusually persistent. It must be because of all the stress lately,
the doctors I should call but can't make myself.
Sometimes I just wish I could make someone else take the
responsibility of my life. It's too much for me to bear. I'd
rather give up on the whole life- thing.
It's almost 4 p.m. and I haven't done anything today (except
written a lot). I saw weird dreams last night. There were a lot
of people I knew and lots of snakes that had run away and it was
generally pretty odd. I can't remember it properly, it was so...
much in pieces. Everything seems to be in pieces right now.
Falling to pieces.
I meant to call the doc today but I woke up so late and at first I didn't feel like calling at all. It can't really do any harm if I don't call now. I should have called years ago. I don't like doctors. I don't think I like anything, honestly. At least I can't think of anything I'd like, except sleeping maybe. And that's just because I can get away then. I like getting away.
I think I'm ill, actually.
I don't feel well. I never feel well but this is something else.
I can hardly breathe. I never notice when I have fever btw. I
feel unusually tired but I never realize I might be ill. It's
like my brain stopeed working then.
I haven't been ill since last october, I think. I like being ill.
I like hospitals also. When I'm ill I never have to do anything
which is really nice. I need to have a proper reason to justify
lying in bed all day and usually only fever is a proper reason.
Being ill is nice also because I don't have to really be alive
then, I don't have to give a shit about anything, I can just lie
in bed and concentrate on muscle pain and it keeps me completely
happy. I don't really like the pain though, I just enjoy the free
time I have. Being ill prohibits me from thingking of anything
quite efficiently. I like it when I don't have to think. That's
why I like sleeping too. It's so brain-activity - free.
Daria isn't on today. There's politics instead. Not fair. I dislike politics. It's so hypocrite.
- - -
I'm afraid I'll loose this
tranquility. It's everything I have. It's all I need. I don't
want to loose my peace, my sky, my vision. I'm more afraid of
that than I'm of death.
The world is so beautiful under the sunlight.