16.3.2000
It's stupid, I know.
I keep crying and I don't know why. I never know why. It's always
been a mystery what it is that hurts this much.
I think it might be the injustice, the pain, the life someone I
knew had to go through. I've always found it easier to cry for
others than for myself.
Or then it's because of all the hurt that has been.
I don't know.
It just hurts.
I'm supposed to do things, important things.
- - -
I'm grateful for (some of my) memories, you know. I'm grateful
for at least three people who have been in my life but aren't
anymore. It's weird, I'm not used to having good memories. I don't
know what to do with them.
They cheer me up so much. It's wonderful to think of all the
people that have been kind to me and good to me and who have
contributed so much to my well-being without even knowing it. I
wish I could thank them but they're all gone now. I hope I'll
bump in to at least one of them at some point.
But even if I didn't ever meet them again, I have my memories.
They make everything so much easier. They change so much. I know
I will survive because of them.
I feel so strong sometimes.
You know, someone was at least partially right. No one's more
positive than people who have been through the worst.
It does change things to survive.
(Of course at first you need to pull yourself together and that's
not easy.)
Today I cherish all the things I've had. Even the things I never
asked to have.
Even if it hurts.
- - -
Sometimes I want to run so fast I'd break my body to pieces.
Sometimes I feel like falling to pieces is the only thing that
could save me from myself.
- - -
Now that I'm pretty much past the 'I hate my life and I want to
die'- phase I seem to have improved my attitude a great deal. It
still isn't perfect, it might not even be good yet but at least I'm
trying. It's pretty hard sometimes, some ways of thinking are so
automatic I don't even notice them and it still takes time to
figure out new possibilities instead of the obvious (negative)
thoughts especially when it comes to people. But I'm trying and I
got to remember that in order to avoid slipping into self-hatred
and self-pity. So, I'm proud of myself, dammit!
- - -
People won't be mean to me.
Dammit.
It's dangerous to get used to people being nice.
I'm fucked up. Really.
For some reason, happy people depress me.