15.3.2000
I saw the A today. It was almost pleasant, we (mostly I) talked
about stuff, took a walk on the graveyard and she told my recent
paintings were pretty. The usual stuff. She seemed to like the
christmas lights in my room.
We were supposed to go see a band but it was already sold out. I
didn't mind. Neither did she, apparently.
We don't get along anymore, that's for sure now. She annoys me
more than ever. It makes me sad. It makes me feel bad, actually.
I hate it when things change.
I ate pizza today. It's important because it's so long since i
last ate pizza.
No, i lied. It's not even remotely important.
My head is full of voices again. They're been there since I was
about… eleven, i think. I know they're just my thoughts, but
they're separate from me somehow. And there's a lot of them. I
can stop hearing them but they never really seem to go away.
It could be schizophrenia. I wouldn't be surprised.
When i was a kid and first started recognicing them i figured i
had somekind of a stress induced 'psychosis'. I read an
unfortunate amount of psychology. I keep thinking i never should've
touched those books. But in a way they helped me to deal with a
lot of difficult stuff.
Anyway.
I can't concentrate and it's so cloudy i can hardly keep my eyes
open. Seasonal depression. Woo.
Thank god i have enough chocolate.
- - -
It hurt so bad to hear the hope in her voice when she thought i was saying we should see each others more often. I wished I could've died then. I wish I could've lied.