8.4.2000
I found the record shop I
was looking for but I didn't find the mag I wanted to buy. Sucks.
When I was walking back to town center I passed the only goth
shop in probably the whole country and heard some people talking.
The other one was pointing his finger at the shop, saying "That's
Morticia, where they sell, um… exotic things." It was
hilarious. The people were on the other side of the street,
passing a sex shop and they thought it was necessary to describe
Morticia as exotic. There was a beautiful red bustier on the
window and the most awesome boots. I honestly have no idea why
they thought it was something kinky (I got that idea by his tone
of voice…) Of course, I've never actually been in there but…
It can't be anything more exotic than the stuff they sold in the
nearby sex shop.
I helped my sister move the last of her things out of the
appartment, which I hadn't known I'd have to do but it was quite
much fun anyway. Her new flat is three rooms and a kitchen and
she shares it with her boyfriend. Recently I've stopped being so
afraid of her boyfriend because I've gotten more used to him. I
bet I can have a decent conversation with him in some years (: (They've
been dating since '97…)
I think my sister's very
lucky, actually. The guy is wonderful. I just hope they won't end
up like my parents in twenty years time.
Anyway, while we were carrying her stuff around L kept talking
about getting me to live there (in the old flat, I mean). Which I
thought was highly surprising. I came to think of it later on but
it actually sounded like I was honestly welcomed to come and live
there. It was like they were thinking that it'd be cool to have
me there.
I feel uncertain about the whole thing. I've never thought anyone would want to have me around anywhere. So it sounds like quite an untrusthworthy thought. It might be that my mother has said something to my sister. (She wants to get rid of me very eagerly.) For a second it actually sounded like they wouldn't mind me living there and even more so, they might even like it. Which is so totally confusing. I always forget that there are probably some people (who don't know me yet) who think I'm an okay person. That's 'cos they see only the outside, I think. I look all normal and nice on the outside (I think).
I don't know why, but no one has actually ever needed to say that they hate me. I knew it all along always. I went to school thinking that all my classmates would hate me and reject me (and beat me up) the minute they saw my face. They didn't and I was pleasantly surprised at first but then realized it was just a matter of time. And of course, in the end, it was only a matter of time. Sometimes I wonder that if I hadn't been expecting it so much (and so afraid of it) it might have never happened because I would've acted more 'normal' then and they wouldn't have laid their eyes on me in the first place. But that's just wishful thinking. I don't think it really matters anymore.
Grr. I just spilled a huge
amount of lemonade all over my keyboard, my table, my then bare
legs and the floor. Now everything's icky and very very
sticky and I'm more than certain that my keyboard will die
because of this. Ugh.
I think I should go to bed now.