5.4.2000
There's only two days left to apply for the jobs. There's no possibility I'll do that anymore. Only two days. I will never get to town, even, in two days. I've meant to go there for a week, already. I should've applied, I should've returned something to the employment office, I shoud've bought myself a few long-sleeves t-shirts for the summer. But I never got that far. And I doubt I never will. I live a mile from the town center (this is a very small town). Think of that.
I know I should, but right now I don't even have the stregth to study properly.
I wish I could just (give
up and) go to the doctor, say I'm not alright and get on -what's
it called?- disability. I don't think I would get on it, actually.
But just going to the doc would be helpful, he'd sort me out. Or
not. But it's twice as hard to go see him than stay like this. If
I fail the exams again, at least i won't have to go and do
anything. Or I do, actually, but there's no reason to worry about
it right now.
I wish I was alright. I'm doing practically nothing proper to
make myself alright but I can always hope that one morning
everything will be completely different. I know it won't but…
I just don't want to. I'm tired, I don't care, it doesn't matter.
I'd much rather die than be alright because I don't believe in
alright. There's no such thing.
No chance of being alright,
ever. Perhaps I'm too negative, surely I am. I hope I am. That
way I won't be let down, at least.
My mother told me I should clean more now that I have the time.
Yes, I do have time, compared to their time, but having this much
time isn't enough to study ten pages of linguistics a day, let
alone do anything else. I may have the time but I don't have the
energy. Who'd believe cleaning one kitchen table can be so
straining? (No one. That's why they think I'm just being lazy.
That's why I think I'm pretending.)
There's no energy to figure
out how to kill myself. If I tried now, I'd fail. I can't think
straight. Perhaps it'd change something if I tried and failed and
they found out about it. I don't think so though. There'd just be
the guilt. And the shrink, perhaps. And nothing would really
change. Because there's nothing that could change.
No, I'm just not hoping I'd make it happen by saying it won't, to
surprise myself. No, it's not about that. Not anymore. I'm tired
of hoping, tired of being, tired of everything.
- - -
I think I should send Dew an e-mail. Just… to be polite ro something. I feel quite weird because she doesn't know me. You know, introduce myself. I'm hesitant, though. E-mails are evil. I'd want to, in a way, and I guess it can't do any harm. Although I am not that convinced that it won't do any harm.
Grrr. Insecurities are annoying.
I don't know, right now. Perhaps I will, perhaps not. I have to think of it more. I could. And perhaps I should, even. I don't know. I'm not really sure what the netiquette says about these sort of things. I'm sure no one else has any idea either. Internet is so different from anything else. And I have no manners anyway.
I have an urge to delete everything. My page's useless. Of course it's more like a therapy type of thing but I can't stop thinking how much it takes space and bandwidth and how… uh, it's like the whole internet was screwed because I have one fucked up page. 'cos everyone wants to have their own useless web space, like I do and then there's just so many people everywhere. And if I just went away maybe others would too and internet would be a half decent place.
Ugh.
I didn't e-mail Dew. I
decided it wasn't necessary, and I'll avoid everything that's not
necessary. Anyway, I should update my links because that's all my
page's good for. There are better places, of course. Perhaps I
should keep in mind how many utterly devastatingly terrible
websites there are. And many of them are never updated. And many
of them have absolutely no content. I'm looking for a better host,
right now. I'm so sick of crosswinds's fucked up state. It never
ever works and I'm starting to get really pissed off. I have a
few considerable options but I haven't decided yet (and I
certainly haven't checked everything out ). I just want a page
people can look at every once in a while. But when I'm not
willing to pay anything, it's kind of an useless quest. I'm aware
of a few quite good domains but they're not open to everyone. The
website would need to have some content. And my page doesn't
exactly have content. My whining doesn't, IMHO, count as a proper
content. And I have a boring life anyway. And I'd have to e-mail
the people.
Oh, I hate my life. I'm so sick of getting so freaked
out when I should do something.