27.4.2000

What the fuck am I doing?
I'm going insane. I must be.

I started this journal for a reason though. There was a reason.
That's the important thing.

However, everything is much easier when you aren't aware of the fact that people might read what I write. It's so much easier. Especially when you want to write about someone you know. You think I'd whine about A if I knew she read what I say? (Actually, I might, but that'd be only because I wanted to tell her the truth. I'm not that truthful most of the time.)

The point here is that I can't decide. It's useless to write a diary if I don't write of all things. Useless to me. If I'm not honest, then why do I do this? On the other hand I'm terrified. Of course.
Lots of people make the decision that they exclude a certain part of their life. However, I do not have a life. And I hate excluding things. I showed A god knows everything because I wanted to and I started writing this on-line because I'm tired of keeping it all to only myself.

---

(Um, ignore the above.)

For the past few days I've been very dissatisfied with my writing. Particularly with what I'm writing about. Because of this, I've deleted dozens of entries or their beginnings. Things like that make me unhappy. It's annoying to want to write about something and simply not be able to because I can't write it down so that it'd make sense.
For some reason, whenever I'm in a (even relatively) good mood I'm incapable of expressing it. Which partially spoils my good mood. There have been things I've not been sure if I should write about. They're awkward, in a way, and perhaps not so important. I'm willing to think of talking about them but I need to think about them for a while. They need organizing, because right now they don't make much sense. I don't usually make much sense anyway, so it's nothing new. It's always annoying, though.

I've found out that ICQ amuses me greatly. It's quite... um, how shall I put it, interesting. Unfortunately, as far as I know, the English speaking people don't have the exact same connotation for 'interesting' as most Finns probably associate with it. But I'm not sure. I'm not interested enough to find out. However, I have the inexplicable need to ramble on about the English language in general. I knew linguistics couldn't be good for me.

Um, I meant to go and get life. Right now it hasn't happened. I realized I only have a bit over a month till the uni entrance exam time and I feel like I know nothing about anything. Because, in case you haven't grasped this earlier, the exams are difficult. The percentage of admittance is something like 15% for English and a bit more for linguistics (where it changes so much every year that it's impossible to give any proper statistics, but something like 18%, probably). I'm required to read a few books for each of my exams, and I'm given something like four hours to write down the answers for everything they happen to think of asking.
As far as I'm aware, no other European country has this kind of entrance exams. The annoying thing that I had to go to school for 2½ years (or more depending on how lazy you are) after which you're allowed to try to apply for universities (unless you're a genius and you can prove it). It's quite sucky. First, there's four or more major exams you have to take to prove you've learnt enough in those three years to pass 12th grade or high school or whatever it's called. And if you pass them, a few months later there's the uni exams. Which is why I failed the uni exams last year. I had no energy left to study for them. (Yeah, it was a fun spring.)

Um, yuck. The worst thing is that I know no one who'd be willing to talk about linguistics with me & correct the possible errors I have. The latter is also impossible because I seem to know more about linguistics than anyone I associate with.

Oh well.

Index.