25.4.2000
I've wanted to use the word 'giddy' the whole day. Don't ask me why.
I wrote a long, long rant about A. but I'm not going to put it up here yet. Writing it made me feel better but it's too personal and too delicate a subject.
I don't have anything to say
actually but I'm feeling very talkative. I've been overly
positive the whole day. I'm not entirely sure why that is, either.
I have my doubts though.
I managed to spill a glass of apple-juice all over my floor, my
desk and myself. I don't know what it is about glasses but I
always trip them over. Especially when they're full. I managed to
break an unopened bottle of Evian once. It was one those
glassbottles that contained 1½ litres of water. The whole room
flooded afterwards. We had nothing to dry the floor with so the
water tripped through under the door and wet the corridor as well.
It was terrible. Really.
And hilarious as well. But I did stop drinking Evian after that.
--- -- --
I'm tired. I'd like to talk about
loneliness but I can't find the words. Somehow nothing makes
sense today. I feel utterly and completely confused. I can't
grasp anything.
It's like everything was… incomprehensible. Out of words. I've
tried to calm down the whole day but somehow I just end up
feeling giddy. I don't know. I don't understand.
I feel like talking. Real-time talking. Real-life, perhaps. Even.
I'm not sure. There's nothing to say.
I'm tired, now. So utterly tired. I can't think and that bothers
me. I jumped up and down, or danced, whatever you want to call it,
to some music earlier because I felt like there was so much extra
inside me. I was scared, I think. Scared and happy. For no good
reason.
I feel like I talk too much. Too
much about too little. For some reason I usually had friends like
that. They talked a lot about nothing special. I never really
understood them. And even if I had the chance to talk now, I
doubt I'd use it.
I promised to go to town tomorrow, to take back a few books my
father borrowed from the library. I don't know why I said I would.
I don't feel as completely exhausted as I usually do. The thought
of going isn't that exhausting.
I even wrote A a decent sounding e-mail. And I was feeling okay
when writing it.
Eq. wrote something about the ICQ thingie and I completely forgot
to tell him I already have it. I should never answer e-mails when
I'm tired. I usually miss everything that's important.
I feel like going on-line to check if he has answered. It's quite
pathetic, isn't it? It's just that I love getting e-mail. And
even more so if it isn't an answer to something I've written.
Which it would be this time, of course. But anyway.
I should change my links a bit. Some of the places are useless
now. Already. I can't believe how fast everything changes. It isn't
that long since I put them there. And now I should re-vamp them
already…
I realized I feel lonely again. I've
been up and running the whole day, under some manic spell and now
that I'm calmed down a bit I feel so utterly lonely. I always do.
Whatever I say or do, whoever I talk to, it always comes back. It
isn't present when I talk to people, of course, but it's there,
waiting. When I stop running around it aims and hits.
Rob
said something about being prone to melodrama. He also said that
his feelings are his own. Which I agree with. Even if I am prone
to melodrama myself, it doesn't mean it's a bad thing. I always
forget that emotions aren't bad. I should tattoo that somewhere
so that I could see it at all times.
I'm going to bed now.