13.4.2000
I've been thinking. It's
probably quite unlikely that I'll pass the first entrance exam to
study translation in K, so I don't even have to consider going to
the interview. So that dilemma would have a solution already.
Also, even if I miraculously pass the exam, I probably won't have
the guts to go to the interview. (It's unlikely 'cos I really do
suck at syntax and I won't have enough time to learn it properly,
prolly.) Either way, I don't really want to go there, so I can
put it second on my list of places to go to. Because, really, the
more I study linguistics the more I like it. And I mean, I really
like it. (I also like it when I learn something in that book, but
that's different.) So I can stop worrying about what I'm going to
do about the translating. Which is a relief.
(No, don't ask me why these things are this difficult for me…)
Anyway, I'm applying for English like my life depended on it even if I don't even like it that much but it's the subject I'm probably most likely to get to study (that's just a guess though). And I'm also applying for French but I'm not good at that so I might (probably will) fail it. Which doesn't really matter, although it would be nice to get in, just in case.
The thing is, I don't care
what I end up doing. I want to do something I want to do, instead
of doing something I presumably want to do. I mean, I know
studying French would be hell because studying languages
generally is (for lots of reasons) and I have no intention to
torture myself only because I might like the job. Now, I have no
idea what I'd be doing with a degree in linguistics (presumably
nothing:) ) but I don't care. I might die before I even graduate
so it's no use to think of it now.
Uh, there. It took me months to get to that conclusion. My mother
told me this months ago.
Anyway.
I should continue studying
because I'm late of my schedule (I knew this would happen, I
fucking knew it!)
Last week I was too down to really do anything proper and I
completely forgot I should study. I'm trying again, though. I
really am. At least I keep telling myself that. And you know, I'll
probably master that part of the French exam that requires the
book on linguistics 'cos I'm reading the same book for another
exam too (and I have to know it much better in that one than I
have to in the French exam). So I rock :)
(Well? Aren't you going to cheer?)
- - -
I don't know when it
changed. When did it change?
Two months ago I wasn't this pissed off at A. I wasn't. I even e-mailed
her occasionally without getting annoyed. Really. When did this
change? Why? And how come I didn't notice it?
I came across an old e-mail
to her. Not older than two months. And I remember writing it. And
I wasn't angry at her. Now I am, all the time. I don't want to
have anything to do with her. I don't know. I honestly don't. At
some point all the anger I always had for her surfaced. It has to
be old because I am angry at her for things that happened a year
or two ago. And I don't get it. I was also angry at her a year
back. I was mad at her all the time, and I thought I dealt with
it all already. And suddenly I realize I still am angry at her.
I don't understand. I honestly don't. There doesn't seem to be
any reason why I would be mad at her. She hasn't done anything (she
never does anything, that's why she always pissed me off, but now
she hasn't left anything undone either, not really). I don't know.
I'm just so disgusted, despising. I'd probably kick her if I saw
her now. And there's no reason for that, it's totally irrational.
Emotions are, usually.
I'm not very social once again. Last night I thought I'd do all the things I've meant to do for ages, write all the e-mails, sign all the guestbooks, join the webrings. But I was in bed already and there was no way I could've gotten up, started the 'puter, went on-line etc. Without my parents waking up and yelling at me. But I was so energetic. I wrote down all the things I meant to say, even. Today I'm not going to do it. Today I don't have the energy. Today I'm old and worn and not interested in initiating contact at all. Today I'm also lonely, but that's another matter entirely.
Why do I always end up with people I don't like? And why is it that every time I'd like to talk to certain people, they're not reachable?