2001-08-19 I don't know why we did it. It wasn't funny. If it had been funny, maybe it'd justify it for us. Maybe, then, we didn't have to think that we sent her to hospital for a year. maybe then we didn't have to feel guilty. Had it been funny. But it never was that. I'm inclined to think that it was because of all the stress I was through. Perhaps it was only childlish. It was stupid of course. But we never thought of it that way. I didn't. I didn't think much when I was younger. Yeah, about religion and philosophy and politics, but never of what I was doing at the time. It would've been too painful. Perhaps. I don't really know. But I know that I've been cruel enough. That I've been childlish enough. And I've caused a lot of damage. Only because I wasn't thinking. I can hardly believe I was so thoughtless. Considering everything they did to me. I should've been wiser. I should've been an adult. But I wasn't. So we did what we did. And it's all long gone now, for us, but it'll never be over for her. Like what they did to me will never be over for me. I sometimes wonder if they feel guilty. Because I do. I could've fought for her. I could've been a friend. I should've seen what was going on. I should've realized. --- Tomorrow I'll finally have to mail the paper to university. The paper where I say I'm not coming back this Fall. It makes me anxious. I don't want to send it. I don't know why. Tomorrow, too, I need to explain to that shrink person that I don't want therapy, but my parents do, and that I feel that I should start it. I don't know... maybe I do want to start therapy. Last time I did it, it didn't help much. I don't know why it'd help now if it didn't back then. I'm not any more motivated, that's for sure. And... oh, I don't know. I hate new people. I can't get over it. I'd have to meet her for a year before I could start trusting her. And I don't know if it's useful in any way. I seem to be in about the same situation I was in before I got to hospital. Nothing has changed. And I don't know if it can ever change. I'm not going to stop being me, of course. Oh, I don't care. I think I'll just say that I could try it. Or something. |
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