2000-10-21 Why does it have to be so horribly difficult and painful? I can't escape the feeling of loss. I just finished watching The English Patient. It's required reading/viewing for the literary course (I have to do both things). I hated the book from the line on page four that had the words "during those months before he died." I know I'm strongly pro-choice on most subjects, things like suicide and abortion etc. but I still can't handle those kinds of sentences. I don't want to know. It hurts. It's stupid. I shouldn't let myself get hurt. At some point last summer when I was packing my things and throwing them away I came across old letters from Anna. I remember one of them, no more. They were along the lines of "don't kill yourself, I'll do anything to keep you alive, you're my reason for living". It's horribly abusive. I'm wrong to interpret more recent things like that, they aren't meant like that. I grew up in a world of games. I grew up in a house where every innocent word was an insult. I grew up in a house where each and every one of those insults was enough to cause a major argument that could last for weeks or months. They picked up things that were said months or years ago just to have an excuse to yell and throw stuff and do evil things to us. I may over-react. I most definitely do. But I grew up in a different world from yours. I'm caught between realities. I don't want that to change because it's the only way to protect myself. You watch your words when everything you say is turned against you. You watch your words and when that isn't enough, you don't speak anymore. Don't ask me why I cried. |
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