2001-08-28 I'm not meeting Ta after all. I decided not to. I don't feel like seeing anyone. I\'m quite relieved that I don't need to see her. I don't know why. I just don't want to see anyone. Ar called me a 'real darling' today. She's a friend of sorts of Ai. I got to meet them both today. For lunch. Yuck. Anyway, nice one. I've always wanted to be a real darling. Yeah, right. I also had some christian people on my back today, they tried to convert me. On top of it all it's been raining for two days now. I'm quite fucking exhausted. And I don't think I have much to say today either. Ugh. I don't know why I always think I do. I had a weird dream of An last night. I was in a party of some sort, and she was there, dressed in velvet and lace, and her hair was long and black. Last time I saw her, her hair was short and the usual brown. Anyway, I was trying to talk to her but she kept disappearing and every time I actually saw her and tried to follow her I couldn't move my feet. The classical I'm-stuck- dream. I can\'t remember when I saw her last time. Probably when she came to hospital to meet me. And that must be six months ago. Or more. I can't quite remember. I desperately wanted to talk to her in that dream. Perhaps it means I want to talk to her IRL too. I don't know. All I remember was that I was very disturbed when I couldn't get to her. I woke up feeling out of place. I also dreamt, in the same dream, of someone drowning and I was sad. I can't remember when I last time felt anything in a dream. It must've been then when I still had nightmares, three years ago. Those sort of dreams where I was chased by large meat-eating reptiles/fish. In those dreams I was horrified. At some point I stopped caring, though, and the animals stopped being able to catch me and eat me. Always animals. I don't know why. I haven't thought much about An really. I don't think I care. But in that dream I did care. That's what makes it so strange. Perhaps it was just a memory of earlier times. I feel so out of place now. Who am I to dream of people? --- Today I lied to my mom. I told her I smoke two packs a week. She thought it was a lot. Actually I smoke three and half packs a week. Half a pack every day. I've been smoking that much for six months now. For all it's worth. |
|