2001-09-04 Everything just makes me sad. It's raining again. The winter's coming, I can feel it. And I keep wondering if I should jump out of that window. Perhaps it'd make something better. Perhaps I'd die before the snow and the cold and the darkness. Perhaps I really should do something about it. I used to think, when I was a kid, that I'd move out of Finland whenever I got the chance. And I thought I would've moved away by now. That was the another dream, to go as fast as possible as far as possible. The other was to die. The nurse I'm seeing once a week, who asks about things like these, said the other day that I was really brave to trust the system. But do I trust it? I don't think so. She asks about things I don't want to talk about. I don't know... sometimes I think she really understands me. Sometimes I think it's good to talk to someone. But the other times... what do I tell her? About the things in the past. Not about the present. Not that I spent the whole weekend considering ways to kill myself. Not that I've been cutting again. And she says I don't seem very depressed. I'm not. Never was, never will be. I'm just... fucked up. I cut without feeling anything, without thinking, and I wonder of possible ways to get out of this world but I never do anything about it. Sometimes I just wish I could cry. So that it'd help. So why so sad? I wish I knew. The nurse suggested that killing myself is just a coping mechanism. And I guess it is so. Every time something goes wrong I want to kill myself. What's so wrong about it? Nothing. The next thing she's going to tell me is that I need to find some new coping mechanisms. And then I say something gibberish and she's satisfied. And then I go back to cutting and wondering how to kill myself. It's so useless. All this work, for nothing. There's nothing to look forward to. nothing to care about. I just try to live each day without thinking and without killing myself. I don't have any pleasant daydreams. I can't imagine a better future. All I know is that it's getting darker and colder every night, and I can't cope with that. I was so positive at some point last spring. I was so eager to get out of hospital that I'd say anything. I came up with a lot of things I never believed in, but just wanted them to prove I had recovered. And it worked. And now, now I'm back to where I started. This is just like last fall, except that I don't have to walk for two hours every Wednesday and Tuesday to get so tired I wouldn't mind the anxiety my classes were bringing. I don't have to go through the nausea and the headaches and the fear. But otherwise this is just the same. No hope, nothing. When it gets dark I start wishing I could just sleep through the winter. And I keep wishing I could sleep through the week as well. That I didn't have to pretend that everything's fine. You know why I never contacted Ta? Because I couldn't bear the thought I'd have to listen to her without saying a word about how I felt. I know I can't talk to her. She'd just think I'm crazy, she doesn't accept suicide. We had fights about it in the hospital. I'm thinking of Ni. I'm pretty sure she tried to kill herself. Or then she just meant to, and they locked her up before she had the chance. She once said that she could never have children because she wanted to kill herself every other day. And that's what I'm grieving, really. Because I'll never have children, I'll never have a normal life. And sometimes I'd want that. I'd want everything to be allright, but I know it'll never happen. Sometimes I wish I could be like Ae. She used to be a friend of mine. Everything was so easy for her. Oh, of course she had upsetting things that happened to her ("You know, the guy I'm dating isn't a virgin, ain't it horrible!") but everything... oh, my mother calls the people who work for her as 'small-brains'. They have nothing in their life that was somehow extraordinary or horrible (from my point of view) and sometimes I wish I could be like them. Dumb as a sheep. I wish I didn't have to think of dying every other day, and I wish I had plans for my future that could function and come true. I wish I wasn't in this grey fog that distorted everything I think of. I'm so tired now. |
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