2001-04-13 I got an e-mail from a fellow Zyprexa user. It's strange to pop five and half pills per day. It makes me feel like a drug addict. It's not like the pills made me feel so much better anyway. I think they might make things a bit more bearable although I can't be sure they're working. I haven't had many crying fits lately though. I seem to have forgotten how to cry. Maybe the pills make me numb like a zombie, maybe not. I've wanted to cry but it hasn't been possible. It's snowing outside. Real winter. This house feels tiny and hollow. It's cold here as well. I can reach the ceiling if I stretch my arm a bit. It feels weird. I haven't been here for six months. The hospital's an old building and the rooms are wonderfully spacious. And anyway, it doesn't snow in Turku, so that's why I like the town. Being near my parents makes me feel awkward. It's like I was living with two complete strangers. I wish my sister was here. I'm glad that I don't ever have to go back to university. It feels like a huge relief. The people who decide about my re-entering the normal life are less thrilled. I had a meeting with them one morning. (Thankfully I was half asleep, otherwise I would've freaked out majorly.) Because my psychological tests showed that my IQ's above average (who'd've guessed that?) they think I should continue educating myself, otherwise it'd be wasting my talents. (What talents?) I guess it could be seen as that, but I simply can't handle public speaking, at least not right now, so I'm going to do my best to avoid everything like that. That includes avoiding studying, which'd mean at least some contact with my fellow humans. (I hate my avoidant personality disorder sometimes. It makes everything unnecessarily difficult.)
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