2000-10-22 I think something inside me is broken. The best I can describe it is like there was a very small, hard piece of something with very sharp edges bouncing around me on the inside. Everything I do is painful in some way. Everything everyone else does hurts me. "You worry about everything." I'm the Bunny, am I not? I'd start crying uncontrollably if you threatened to drive the earth into the sun, even if I wouldn't mind dying. It's just that the thought of something -anything- is painful. Whatever happens it's all wrong. I feel very surreal in this house, that's why everything's even more wrong than normally. I somehow can't grasp the fact that I really am here, that this place is real. It's like a nightmare, to be honest. I feel disconnected from everything. When I got here late Friday night, I spotted the moon on the sky. It hung low, very low, so that I could only see it occasionally when there was a hill high enough to allow a view over the trees. The moon was red. It was red in the way I always imagined the red moon in Dragon Lance chronics to be. It looked like it was dripping with blood. I've seen orange moons. I've seen huge, full, orange moons rising from the behind of earth. But I haven't seen a moon that red. Think of the color of the liquid that bursts through broken skin. Not entirely blood, but the mixture of a little bit blood and other substances that are under the skin that protect it. (I don't know the name of it.) It was colored like that. I kept thinking it was a bleeding wound in the sky. It wasn't full, nowhere near it, but it creeped me out more than most things. It was the scene of apocalypse. I stared at it and wondered what it will feel like to die, what it will feel like when your heart stops and the pain spreads. Do you have time to think when you die? Do you register it? I dislike this world the most for the simple reason that you can't escape anything. You can't skip the painful scenes and the frightening scenes and you can't even forget them. I prefer books because I can close my eyes and know that it didn't happen. I don't have to pretend. |
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