2001-07-31 I was thinking of listing my favourite diaries. (Oh yeah, I've calmed down by now) But there are too many. And most of them I haven't read in a year. A year is a long time. A lot of people have moved. A lot of people have too many entries for me to read. So I list none. Maybe later. I don't know. I've been chainsmoking for two days now. I'm running out of cigarettes. I'm trying to smoke outside my window, to prevent the smoke getting in, but I'm not sure it's very helpful. I know it doesn't matter. I'm really tired this week. I keep sleeping around the clock (or more), and I'm still always tired. I don't know what to write. There hasn't been any heart ache lately. There hasn't been much of anything lately. I wake up, I eat, I surf for a while, then I go back to bed. And it'll always be like that. Because I have no life. And you know, sometimes, I just don't want any more life than that is. I'm completely happy without anything to do. Without anyone to talk to. I don't even want to talk, most of the time. I have nothing to say. I know some people are going to read what I write. But I don't think of them as real people. Because I don't know you/them. And somehow... what does it matter? Does it matter to you? Do you care at all? And why? Rhetoric questions... don't answer. I don't want to hear them anyway. And besides, the answers don't matter to me. The meaning of life is 42. (Or was it?) Tomorrow I need to meet my new shrink-person. I hate the thought of it. Then I'm going to get religious and maybe have some fun (unless I back out of it). I want to scream. Really. You don't know how much. I don't know why. I think I'll just eat the rest of the ice-cream and stare the t.v. Till I get bored. Till I fall asleep. Maybe I won't wake up tomorrow. Maybe the new shrink-person won't make me cry. Maybe. |
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