2001-07-28 I took two sleeping pills but they don't seem to help at all. It's almost two a.m. and I don't know if I'll ever fall to sleep again. I should think of nice things. I ahould forget everything that hurts me now. I should forget him. I've decided not to read his journal because it hurts too much. Well... I'm not sure 'hurt' is the right word. More like it... it's self-defence, really. I need a break. I don't know what he's going to write to me (he said he'd write) and I don't know why he'll do that. It's dark already. The autumn is coming. I'm waiting for it anxiously. My depression is likely to get worse, but I love autumn. It's the time when the leaves turn red and yellow and brown and I love it. I love the smell of autumn.And it's never too hot then. I need autumn. And this time I'm going to make it right, I won't end up back in the hospital. I won't. I'd die there. Not physically, but mentally. I'm too sane now to stand it. (But the situation might always change.) Once he asked if he damages me. I'd like to yell at his face that yes, yes he's doing that. But I'm not sure I can prove it. I'm just so full of hatred sometimes. I want to isolate again. It's a bad sign. But I just don't want to talk to anyone. I'd rather stop existing. I'm tired of being tired and old. |
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