2001-08-26 I’m exhausted. Right after I decided that I have no friends left in this world I was contacted, and now I’m meeting Ta. on Thursday. I’m not really looking forward to that. I have nothing to give to her. I mean, I have no gossip, no sense of humor, no interesting tales to tell. I never see anyone, I never do anything, and mostly I prefer it that way. I’ve been thinking of asking To. to go someplace with me. I don’t know why. I like him. But it’s too much, really. I don’t need a social life. I’ve been reading ‘The Grotesque’ by Patrick McGrath, and I think I’ve already read it at some point. It’s too familiar. So it doesn’t bring me any new… new… experiences. No new points of view. I already know what the cracky old bastard thinks and goes through, and still I can’t completely remember how the plot goes. So I’m reading it again, with no satisfaction. Oh yeah. Life rocks. Still, books seem to be necessary distractions nowadays. I’m quite glad it is so. It means I know how bad it can get. I know when I’m feeling that bad. And I only need to take one pill to make it all go away. That’s the good thing with medication. Although it’s hardly ever as easy as that. But that doesn’t matter. My mother will come here tomorrow. She has a meeting or something, so she stays with me for a while. I don’t know if we’ll get anything done. I’m not sure there’s a lot to be done. I feel so tired. I had a nice weekend though. I was in Tallinn, Estonia. I didn’t buy a thing, just looked around and walked till my feet were sore. It was travel though, and traveling is always nice. I didn’t think of tomorrow at all. Because tomorrow I have two meetings with different people, and I don’t want to attend either of them. The other’s about therapy, and the other’s about work-therapy. I’m supposed to start going to those. It’s horrible, really. I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know where the other meeting is held, so I get to walk around feeling nervous and out-of-place looking for the right building. Which is about as bad as it can get. It feels later than it is. I feel older than I am. I was watching this weird documentary on the tv the other day. There were two 21-year-olds and they talked about their sex lives. It took me a while to grasp that I’m almost as old as they are. In fact, I’ll be turning 21 in November. Ta is 25. Ni is 23. I don’t know how old To is, but I bet he’s something like me. I sometimes comment (in my mind only) about the relationship of a person I know. He’s 21 and she’s 17. And I think of them as kids. Like, how could they possibly have a proper relationship when they’re both as childlish as they are. And I never remember that I’m about as old as he is. I’m constantly surprised that they’re still together. And sometimes I think of Milla and her husband. She’s a year older than I am and already married. And already divorced. Not a single relationship seems to last. Except my sister’s and her boyfriend. They’ve been together for five or six years now. And I don’t quite understand how it is possible, considering what my sister can be like. I keep wondering if they still love each other. And I guess they do, and it always surprises me. Sometimes I miss the closeness. Sometimes I miss being with someone, and sometimes I’m really glad I have no one who’d cling to me. That is, I’m sick of relatioships one way, and missing them in some other way. Thankfully I’ll be alone for the rest of my life so there’ll be no hassle about that. I really intend to stay single. Mostly because I can’t properly be in love with anyone. I can’t think of anyone as the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I can’t adore anyone properly. There’s always something in the way. Everyone has their bad sides, and I can’t forget them. |
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