2001-08-17 I feel so weird right now. Disconnected. I just finished 'Primary Colors'. It was a wonderful read. I really enjoyed it. It got my mind off all the things I don't want to think about. I have the tv on. And the radio. And the computer, of course. I'll never feel lonely again. Uh. I don't know. Today when I was smoking and staring at the wonderful view from my windows, I realized it's all over now. And I don't want it to be over. I want... I don't know. Perhaps it's better it's gone by. Perhaps I can now start standing on my own feet. Either that or I'll fall. And I feel as though I was falling. There's no one to care about. And I desperately want someone to care about. I need to care about something, otherwise I won't survive. And I want to survive. I want to live. (I want to be something I can never be.) I should write an e-mail, but I think I'll do that tomorrow. Tonight is somehow too... beautiful? to be spoiled by that stress and anxiety. Although I don't feel much anxiety anymore. I'm starting to like this person. When I look out of my windows, I can see the sky. I never could see the sky where I used to live. Too many streetlights, something like that. Here I can see both the lights of the city and the stars. I love them both. I'm glad I don't have to go back to university. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Every time I think of it, I shudder. And recoil. And want to die of shame. Somehow I seem to only remember all the times when I screwed something up. Not the good times. I'm sure they were there. Something good must've been going on. I assume so, anyway. I keep reading Action_grrl and I wonder how anyone can be so normal. She reminds me of An. when she was in her manic state of mind. Overly cheerful. Overly happy. And I don't know why I can't achieve that. What did I do wrong? I can't even joke about my insecurities. I only sit back and feel stupid. I think of doing something I think I'd enjoy and I always back out on it. Because. Because it's so damn difficult to be me. And I'm not that abnormal. I can't be. I won't accept it. Somehow I still think that if I just tried a little harder, I'd be normal and happy and fine. Somehow, however much I try, it never is enough. And it just makes me feel so stupid and lazy and despisable (is that a word?). I want to be something I can't be. Whatever I do. Whatever I try. However hard I try. A lot of people tell me I'm smart and funny and okay, but I never seem to believe it. And I never seem to quite get it. I'm an okay person, but I just can't accept it. But I can't think that I'm just looking to be miserable either. How could I do that? Do I do that? Oh, I'd need some answers but no one's going to give them to me. I wish I could look up at someone who'd tell me something I'd actually believe. Someone who'd comfort me so that I'd feel comforted and safe and sound. I never trust people enough. I can't trust them. Perhaps that's what's really wrong with me. But I know you wouldn't believe people if you'd been through what I went through. And somehow, I don't seem to believe... well, anything. All my explanations seem faulty to me. It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. And no, I didn't cut tonight. But I did cut yesterday. |
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