2001-08-21 Hm. I keep thinking of the people in the hospital from time to time. Mostly wondering if they're still in there or not. Mostly about Ja. because she's the one who resembles me the most. I'm starting to feel like this is 'my' town. I mean, I feel at home here. This is where I live, where I have lived, where I will live. This is home. And it's strange. But no more about it. I had this dream last night. I can't remember much of it, but I can remember myself sitting on the windowsill, legs hanging outside and it was snowing or raining. Or perhaps it rained ice. It was a strange picture. I can still remember what the light was like. And I dreamt something about Ja. as well. Something that I can't quite remember. Perhaps it was just her face. I've tried to draw her face for a few times but I can never match the feeling of sorrow in her eyes. I'm not much of a drawer, actually. But I remember her face. Every time I think of the hospital, I see her. And I wonder what happens to her. What happened. If she'll ever get out. She was so determined to kill herself. And so honest about it. I learnt to lie. And I was better for a while, too. But I wonder what'll happen to her. And if I'll ever see her again. Somehow I don't think I will, unless I go back to hospital. And I don't want to go back there. For a second today, I thought I saw Timo, but it was someone who looked a bit like him. Older. Someone I never saw before. I've been thinking of him as well. Sometimes. Because of what happened between Milla and him, and somehow... well, because he was the only one I know who got out of there by complaining about it. He sent letters everywhere. And in the end they decided it had been a mistake. That he was there. And so they let him go. It sounds easier than it was. I've never seen anyone so convinced the truth would finally win. I don't believe in truth. I don't think I'll win. That in the end, everything will be all right. I don't believe in that. I don't know what I believe in. I think sometimes of Johanna too. Mostly when I suddenly come across Saint Tropez on the telly. She used to watch that. And she used to speak French, better than I ever did. And she used to sing. She had an amazing voice. Something I'll never forget hearing. I connect a lot of tv series with people nowadays. Perhaps it's because we hardly ever did anything else but watch tv together. I was too shy to talk to them, but I felt comfortable watching tv with them. Without anything that needed to be said. And I felt comfortable sitting in the smoking room, in silence. With them, or without them. In the darkness, alone, too. I adored the nights there. Somehow. Because it was quiet and dark and there were only two nurses around. I think of them mostly when it's dark. Darkness seems to fit the feeling best. I wonder what'll happen when the winter comes. It's dark now. Late at night. Tomorrow I need to get up earlier than I did today. I don't know if I can keep up with it. I just want to sleep. Forever and forever and forever. |
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