2001-04-13 I can't sleep. Correction, I don't want to sleep. It's sweet to be away from hospital. I don't ever want to go back there. However, I do feel alien in this town. This isn't my home any longer and I know it. I don't know for certain where my "home" is, whether it's my appartment/room or hospital or what. I've travelled so much in my life that I've learnt to call the place I'm currently staying at "home"; no matter if it's been a hotel room or a house of some family member. "Home" is where I sleep at night and where my things are, and currently I have my things in three different places (here, hospital, appartment). It confuses me. I don't know what to think. I call both my appartment (rented) and this house (where I no longer live) home. Hospital isn't home even if I live there. It's always just hospital. I don't know if that changes at some point. In any case, the doctor presented the option of having to spend at least a part of the following summer in the hospital. My doctor's going to change, though, so I don't know what the new one'll say. I hope to get out sooner. I'm not sure I still need the hospital. It's tricky, because I still have the avoidant personality disorder, and it makes my whole life, if not impossible, then at least difficult. I probably need to build up more courage than what I have now in order to be able to live on my own. I probably need to be able to call people before I get out. It sucks, because I don't really want to deal with people or learn how to do that. I just want to lock the door to my room and never get out, and I hate the fact that I can't do it. It's no good to try to fight something you don't really object to (ie. my personality disorder). I just wish I'd be left alone. Sometimes I wish I had never tried to kill myself because it made people want to help me and I don't really want help. I want to do it on my own, but I can't, it's too difficult. I'm too stubborn to accept the fact that I should change. I'm not good material for therapists. Someone called it pride, but I don't think it's about that. I just don't want to start doing things that make me feel bad. It's not like I'm going to stop feeling bad, I just need to tolerate it better. At least that's what I think will happen. I'm supposed to find a way to express my hatred without hurting myself. (I mostly cut when I'm mad at myself.) It's my homework. I can't think of a single thing that'd work for me and didn't include hurting myself in some way. It's really difficult to change that pattern of behaviour. (They've taken two razor blades from me in the near past.) I like the scars. I like the blood. I like the fact that I can hurt myself better/more than anyone else. It makes me feel smug. It's completely about control, and I'm a control freak. (I just wish I could make myself cut deeper. I'd kill myself if I could do it.) I feel powerful when I hurt myself. They're about the only times in my life when I feel I can control something. Another one's eating (or not eating) and throwing up. I don't make myself throw up very much anymore but I had a phase when I did it several times a day. It was about control, too. I need(ed) to be able to control what my body looks and is like. It's really the only thing I can control. Everything else's out of my reach. I feel a bit better now.
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