2001-09-10 My new doctor, whom I meeting next Thursday (god have mercy on me), is called something that sounded like Dan Sucksdorf. I don't know what the spelling is like, and I don't really care, because his name makes me laugh hysterically, and I can use that. I've been ill for a few days now, therefore now diary entries. I still have a horrible headache when I get up, but that's just because I haven't eaten anything proper for a few days. I think I should finally start a diet. I weight more now than I've ever weighted in my entire life, and it's getting on me. (And if anyone mentions the word 'eating disorder' I'm going to scream.) I've decided to quit smoking. It's probably going to take a while, since I'm addicted, but it should be allright. And if I can't quit it, then I just reduce my cig consumption. I don't really care, and I don't know why I decided to do this right now. I saw Ja today when I got out of the tower. It makes me sad to think she's still in the hospital. Because she was in the tower, I assume there was some conversation about her following treatment so it might be that she gets out of there soon. I hope she'll be allright. It just feels so unfair to think that they keep her sectioned for months. I don't know if she still wants to kill herself. But sometimes I'm not sure if... well, I don't know if it's better she's alive. I don't know what she thinks now. In a way I'm inclined to believe it'd be better for her if she were dead, but on the other hand... there are good sides in being alive, believe me. And, sometimes, I know it's possible to actually like your life. It's so complicated. Sometimes you think of other things, other times... everything's different. And it's so hard to tell what is wrong or right, or what should be or shouldn't. I really wanted to kill myself last Saturday. And on Sunday I didn't. Well, that's probably because I was so ill and feverish that I couldn't think of anything. But it makes everything so difficult. If I could be determined for longer than one day, perhaps I'd kill myself. I'm not good at acting on the whim of the moment. And I don't know if it'd be a good thing to die or not. Sometimes it feels like it, other times not. This pattern of thought appeared last time last year when my grandmother was dying. I couldn't decide if it was a good thing she died or not. For her, I mean. I was so angry at her for dying. I felt she was leaving me, abandoning me. And it felt like she had never really been there for me at all. Because she wasn't. To me, she died a lot earlier. When everyone in my mind died. (And no, I'm not going to explain that.) |
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