2001-07-28 I just took two sleeping pills. I hope they’ll help. I just want to sleep. I wonder why Eq’ll write to me. I told him it’s not worth answering. And why now? I can see the stars now. First time in months. I haven’t been up for this long for months. The stars always fascinated me. When I was a kid I wanted to study them. Whatever it’s called. I wanted to learn to recognice them and I tried but didn’t succeed very well. I still remember the names of some stars but not which is which. And not all of them. Sometimes I want to fly as high up as they are. I want to disappear in them, in the darkness surriounding them. I watch the ink-blue sky and I want to dive there, like I’d dive in a lake. The sky feels soft to my thoughts. The night sky. It’s like I was touching something soft, yet real, something that owned a piece of me. There’s a song by Menswear called ‘piece of me’. I don’t know if anyone remembers them anymore. I know I wouldn’t listen to them now but I own their first, and AFAIK, the last album, ‘Nuisance’. It’s been so long since I was fifteen. I feel old now. Not old like I did before but old old. I am older now, it isn’t just a feeling. I can feel my age in my bones. I’m not going to be young again. And somehow I know it better than I did before. And I know I can’t get all of those things I always wanted and hoped to get. I’m too old to change. I’m too old for teenage movies and it gets on me. Everything I see is like I saw it in Raistlin’s eyes. Getting old, decaying. I feel like the time was running out. Differently than I did before. Now it feels more real. The days seem to go faster and I can’t bluff myself. I can’t live in daydreams anymore. That’s why I took the sleeping pills. So that I didn’t have to dream anymore. I used to lie awake at nights and think of things, think of everything. I don’t want to do it anymore, I don’t want to feel, dream, think. I just want the sweetness of dreams that come and go. |
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