2001-08-08 I've discovered what's wrong with my writing. (And no, I won't tell you what it is.) I assume it'll pass. I'm sick of those posters people stick on lapposts that go on and on about Jesus saving you if you just bothered to believe. I don't know if anyone believes them anymore. I assume (and hope) not. I just have to go past several different ones on my way to town and I always read them, without thinking really. I don't think I've written an entry on religion before, actually. Anyway, I'm not a christian. I'm not buddhist either. I used to be a protestant but then I turned eighteen and resigned from the church. I did it because it was fashionable at the time. 'Fashionable' means that me and my girlfriend thought it was cool. Ever tried to be a lesbian in a small town? It's simply quite difficult. And I had enough of religious crap showed down my throat ever since I was a kid and I just didn't believe it anymore. (Actually, I hadn't believed it in years.) And the best thing I thought I could do, was to resign from the damned church. Just to show the world, or some such crap. (I still haven't told my parents about it, btw.) Anyway, about being a lesbian in a small town. To be accurate, I wasn't a lesbian but I didn't figure that out until later. It was quite fun, sometimes. We got thrown out of library, which made me cry, adn we inspired (at least we like(d) to believe we did) a small local association of bisexual women. I got a lot of crap about it of course. But really, people have shitted on me for years for different reasons so it wasn't at all new or shocking or anything. We got to know each other through mutual friends. First I was sure she tried to steal my best friend. Then the best friend left for Australia and she tried to kill herself and I came into it. She still says I saved her life. I'm not at all sure about it. Anyway, she had a crush on me, and I had a crush on everyone who had a crush on me. Very clever, eh? Being a lesbian was a big hit between my best friend and me. No one else quite got it. Except she, of course. And, btw, she is she because I don't want to name anyone. It was all new and exciting and wonderful in a way, until it dawned on me that I wasn't a life-saver and I didn't even want to be. It puts enormous pressure on someone if you tell them they're alive just because of you. Don't tell it to anyone. Take my advice. It isn't a good idea. It won't be true anyway, because everyone needs a million reasons to live for, one isn't enough. There's a lot of things I exclude from this short ramble, but I wanted to get rid of this in my system right now. I still honor Ka because she stayed friends with both of us, even after I dumped her. (What a horrible thing I did, she thought.) Anyway, we're friends of sorts, still. And I don't feel that differed compared to the rest of the world who has never had sex with a woman. Actually, I just tested myself, and I'm 52% gay. ("A typical lesbian is just 44% gay.") And Redzoo, why on earth am I 'a person of great interest'? It annoys me. |
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