2001-08-15 I cut today, first time in months. Not bad cuts, merely scratches. Even a cat would do worse damage than this. Why did I cut? No reason. There aren't any reasons anymore. Nothing matters anymore. I'm so tired it's not tired anymore. It's something else. Something completely weird and out of my control. I can't get myself up, and when I get myself up, I have trouble standing because I'm so tired I could just collapse. And I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't care. What I do care about is my inability to write. It bothers me. I want to share something, get something out of my mind, but when I try, I just freeze. It reminds me of essays in school. I could never think of anything before the last fifteen minutes began, and then I'd ramble something. Had this rush that I can't explain. I got okay grades, mostly, in school. I don't know why. I never cared. Or then I cared too much. I don't know. Sometimes I wish there weren't so many things I didn't know. I'd like to know everything. I always wanted to know everything. Now nothing matters, and everything does. Somehow. I know this doesn't make sense. But the fact that it doesn't matter, matters. I'm too tired. |
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