2001-08-10 Even though my writings (diary) have been praised with such words as 'interesting' and 'evokative' I'm no good at writing e-mails. In fact, I detest it almost as much as I detest public speaking (which is, a lot). This only counts for e-mails written to people I haven't talked to before. It's draining to think of something to say and a second later decide that it sounds absurd or stupid or both, and then delete everything I've written and stare at the empty screen again. This is why I don't write much e-mails. This is why I've never answered some people, and why I won't ever answer some people. It'd be easier for you to understand if you were like me, and detested everything I said or did. A diary is different. Because. Because it's easier to write to people who won't ever answer you (althought I get a sporadic e-mail from people sometimes), and because it's easier to write when I don't know for certain that it'll be read. I mean, you read through all of your e-mail (except spam), but you don't quite possibly read through every diary entry people have written. And diary is somehow anonymous. Because you don't know me, you only know what I write. And, yes, it should be the same for e-mail but because e-mail isn't public, it becomes something else. I can write newsgroup messages with moderate effort, about something that's on my mind, although I don't do that often (because I don't read any newsgroups at the moment). It's almost as difficult as e-mail, especially if you're responding to something. It isn't as general. Of course you can stop reading it after a few words, but somehow it's still different. (I don't quite know where I am going now.) Oh, I simply can't think of anything to say to him. It's always like this. I hate it. (But I don't hate it enough to start therapy.) "Ah, I know you didn't want to annoy me. It only lasted for a second anyway. I'm glad you wrote to explain your reasons. Perhaps it's only because I want to boost my self-esteem or something, but it was nice to read your opinion on my diary anyhow." Now I know what's difficult with e-mail. You have to answer them. You have to produce coherent answers and it reminds me about school. I hated school. You can't just go on about your normal jabbering, you have to say something. It's easier to just jabber. Without thinking. Perhaps it's the thinking aspect that I dislike the most. I write a lot to pass the time. I write a lot to get rid of something 'evil' inside me. That is, I want to distract myself from something far worse than a useless diary entry. I'm so used to it now. It's like watching t.v, only a bit more creative. (If you can call it creative.) I'm not sure why my journal isn't defined with words like 'mundane' because I'm hardly even conscious of what I'm writing. It's just coming somewhere inside of me, without thinking, just like this what I'm writing now. I can't read my writings and think of what they sound like. They're always mine, first, and... well, I can't say I'm dissatisfied with my entries. They're honest, that's what counts the most. To me, anyway. I feel artificial if I try to write about something that happened today unless it's mind-troubling to some degree. I can mention it but then I always start writing some instropective whining. Ugh. Who am I to pity myself? At least I am somewhat allright, and I can function. |
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