(because I'm not Tired)

2000-10-27

I escaped here from my little box. The lab is dark, and so's half of the building. At 7 p.m. on a Friday night there are two other people in addition to me. I know they'll be gone before me.

My hearts jumps around it my chest. It doesn't stand still for a moment, and it's movements are arbitrary. I tell you this in case I one day drop dead from a heart-attack. It doesn't feel like a normal heart beating. It's too loud, and too quiet, at the same time. It's beat makes my chest echo.

I keep feeling disconnected.

I couldn't find the words to say the right things, so I mostly was quiet. I still am. It's irrelevant to say things.
I ran out of energy. I had this emotion inside that I wanted to vent. Now when I could write it here, it's too much trouble. There's too much to say. Organizing my thoughts would require the will to do so. And I want nothing but death aymore.
And on second thought, I'm not even sure if I want that either. I'm just waiting for it to catch up. Lately it's been the only comfort I've had. Somehow I think of my life as if I was watching a tedious, useless television series, relieved in thinking that it'll stop soon enough, and we all will be saved from the trouble and embarrasment it causes. Just think of the crappiest tv series you've ever seen. My life's like that.

I know you (don't) understand what I mean.

I cried last night and I think it's the first time I've cried in a while. It feels like it's been ages, but I don't really know. Not this week, anyway. I'd suppose. Even yesterday's a big grey fuzz. I don't have any idea what happened then, let alone what happened the day before that. I don't think crying made it any better. My skin and eyes just started hurting. At least it was distracting, I could stop worrying about things for a while. I think that's perhaps the only use I have for anything nowadays. I'm here now because I don't want to be home, and I don't want to be home because I'd have to do something about the essay there.
If I can bear it, when I have to quit this lab, instead of going home or to the river bank, I'll go to the 'real' lab, which has a door code, and better computers. The place makes me nervous because it requires logging in and they'll know (if they want to) what I've done. Not that I ever do anything that's not allowed. But I feel like I was being watched there. (Paranoid, anyone?)

I've ran out of posts to read in ash. I felt like posting there tonight, but I don't have the patience to use deja or something similiar. And I keep feeling I'd just be wasting bandwidth (not that anyone whines about it anymore).

I wonder if they'll throw me out at some point. The others left...
The river's nice, you know. And soon it'll be easy enough to die of hypothermia. It's my least favourite method because I hate being cold, but I can always dream that I'll use it. I have to think of something soon, otherwise I'll end up running under a car or something really stupid and very likely non-lethal because I can't take this anymore. But we'll see.

I miss being asleep.