2001-09-02 The autumn is coming. The leaves are falling on our lawn. And it’s getting colder every night. I woke up in the morining shivering because I slept the windows open. It’s grey as well, and tomorrow it’s supposed to rain. I’m tired of it before it even began. Today’s Sunday. I haven’t put my clothes on at all. Soon I’ll go back to bed so it’s not worth the trouble. I wouldn’t be able to wear trousers anyhow, because of the cuts I made. I think I’m crazy and attention-seeking because I had no reason to cut. Only that I didn’t want to be alive. I kept wondering this morning whether or not I should try to kill myself with the pills I have. I should probably get in touch with my doctor because I’m rapidly running out of meds. And I keep wondering if I should try to kill myself when I’ll get the new prescriptions. I don’t know… temazepam is the only thing that’s probably worth the shot, and oxazepam as well. Other I don’t know of. I wonder what I’ll tell tomorrow to the nurse I’m seeing. That I wanted to kill myself? That I still do? I couldn’t. I can’t. She’d probably put me back to the hospital and it’s the last thing I want. I feel so tired. Everything’s grey and meaningless. I’m tired of hospitals and I’m tired of being alive. Life has nothing to offer to me. And I have nothing for life. I’m just a fucked up kid, who escapes all her problems to meaningless suicide attempts. I wish I had the capability of slitting my throat. It’d be easier than this. Everything would. “Oh tell me why do we build castles in the sky?” I’m waiting. |
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