2001-08-22 I'm sitting here, waiting for the smoke to linger away, watching over this town and wondering why I'm here. Listening to Recoil. I'm not in the mood for writing diary entries. I've just finished 'Remembering Babylon' by David Malouf. It's one of those books I was supposed to study in university last year. I never got that far. I'm in this strange town with no friends, no family, no future. No past, either. I've been here for a... what? A second. I can see the stripes the airplanes have left in the sky. And all this, all of this happened in such a little time. An eternity. Still just seconds. I feel confused. I didn't expect to find myself here, now. I don't know what I expected, but not this. Not this view from my window. Not this peace. Not this strenght. I am bewildered. By all this. I feel so awkward, sitting here in front of this computer that has been there through it all and more. Familiar things. I didn't expect this happiness. I didn't expect the way it would shape my world and change everything tormenting to... this peace, perhaps. I listen to the rush of the traffic below me, and yet, I'm peaceful. And I'm whole. And I'm feeling... beautiful. Oh, I don't mean it like that. Everything is beautiful. In place. Arranged. Whole. I once wrote, painful times ago, that beauty was something that was meant to be, that was in its place, that was... what? I can't remember anymore. What I meant was... maybe this. Maybe a peace with the universe. I'm not afraid of black holes anymore. Do you understand anything I'm saying? I'm standing on the edge but I'm not afraid of falling. Literally. Because I know I won't fall. I trust myself with this. I know I'm not going to fall. The sun is setting. I can see the way it colours the sky and the clouds. It's been like that forever. For thousands of years, for millions of years. Do you understand why I feel so good now? Because of the stability. Because it all is going to be just fine. If I only can reach this state of mind occasionally. This nirvana. Oh, I do feel sad for all of the lost boys. And I do feel sad because of all the sorrow and pain and black and blue. And yet... it doesn't matter anymore. Not today, not now. Because I can sit here, listen to music, type, feel the chair under me. Feel the keyboard under my fingertips. Yes, it all matters. Everything matters. But right now, it all is good. Peaceful. Right. I will forget this, of course. And there will be days when the only way out is the way down, to the pavement. If I could paint pictures, I'd paint you the sunset. If I could take photograps, I'd show you the beauty of it all. If I could, I would open your eyes and make you see, but I'm not saint, no Jesus. You have to open your eyes, learn to see for yourself. What I'll miss the most is that I could've taught you how to see. If I only had had the chance. I could've taught you. |
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