2001-09-12 The smoke above New York. Mirror, mirror on the wall… I’m not a religious person, so no prayers for me. I don’t respect life very much, so no heroes or victims for me. Yesterday, when I closed my eyes, I could see the plane approaching the WTC tower. And it took me a while to realise it’s true, it’s real, not some image in a horror movie. It was like I was watching Independece Day with the lights on. I’m sad today. Not because so many people died, but because I didn’t die. I almost wish the third world war would come. It’d get me out of here. It’d make me disappear and that’s what I want the most. I’m their child and her sister. That’s all I am, all I ever will be. I’m a friend of sorts of him, and sometimes contacted by email by him. I’m her ex-lover, and their ex-friend that has now disappeared into the great big white world and is never coming back. I’m nothing. And today, when I look at the sky and it’s grey and cloudy and rainy, I don’t feel that free. I don’t feel like it’s going to be allrigh. I feel disconnected. I feel... lost. Nothing heals, nothing grows. As simple as that. Sometimes I wanna die. As simple as that. Nothing else to say now. |
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