Death isn't a sad thing. Not to me anyway. I feel better when i think of dying. I've never been a big fan of living. It feels so right, in a way and every time I start to angst about it, I only need a reminder that everyone dies. Everyone has died and everyone will die. It makes me feel safe, almost. Like I was a part of the gang. I'm not really into killing myself. I hope to avoid it. But it really depends on how soon I'll die. I'm getting really bored of being alive. I've waited to die for natural causes for at least nine years but I haven't. So I'm pretty much only left with the option of suicide.

I'd rather die of natural causes.

It almost seems as if I have an obsessions with death and dying. I want it to happen soon so that i can get rid of all this crap which isn't worth going through because it doesn't really change the result (i.e. inevitable death). Life's nice, sometimes, but it doesn't get better than that and I'm inclined to believe it isn't even meant to get better than that.

Not that I believed in any god or faith or anything like that. It's just that this life simply is meaningless. Not that way meaningless it'd depress me (there are other factors that contribute to that) but meaningless in a nice way. It doesn't really matter except when we are here. So death would be a bit of a change, really. Nothing else. Nothing really important.

People get so scared of dying… my grandmother was 82 years old when she died and she was still scared. It's not like I want to live to be 82 years old and still be afraid. That 82 years won't really change anything. Maybe I'd get children and maybe I'd study and get a job or maybe I'd get schizophrenia. But what would it matter? I'd die anyway, and after I was dead it wouldn't matter what I had or hadn't done. And after the people who'd cared about me in this life had died, no one would give a shit anymore. It's not like I'm to become Hitler II anyway. So it's hardly likely I'll affect that many lives. So living is useless. Not in a bad way, of course. It's just something that happens. It doesn't really matter, to me anyway, unless it hurts too much.

So basically the result will be the same for me. To others my death will matter in different ways but that's no reason for me to be afraid of death. What is there to be frightened about death? Millions and millions of people have died before us and will die after us. It can't be worth all the angst and fear and loathing. Who says it won't be nice? No one knows about it and I guess that's what makes people afraid. But it's an adventure really. It isn't like everything else in this world that you have seen a million times before in different context and under different labels. It's a change. It's different and that way it's really interesting. I'm curious to find out what happens afterwards, and if nothing happens, then i won't be whining that it's really boring. I'll just be dead. There's no way to really lose in this game. Which makes it really tempting to try out.

I don't believe it'll be anything interesting or nice, for that matter. But living is neither interesting nor nice. Actually, I bet it's better to die now than wait till I'm 80 and go through all the shit there is to come. The good sides of life have never, in my life, weighted as much as the bad sides. It doesn't make my life bad, really, I'd rather say it's normal. It was a nice thing to try out but that's it. It's not like I'm going to play another round if I have any chance to avoid it.

So i'm just waiting to die, basically, because living is already proved to be undesirable and boring. I'm just getting annoyed because dying takes so much time.

And by the way, if anyone thinks I'm a coward, then they're right. I'd rather get rid of life than go throught the shit. That's because there's no real reason to go through the shit. It won't make anything better.