16.7.2000

I miss him. And I ache. I ache and ache and ache and I know it isn't about him anymore. I don't want him to get inside my head. I don't want him to read what I write because everything I say is wrong somehow. That's why I took the journal offline for a while, although probably only for tomorrow. But I don't know. I suppose he might be online at some point. I just can't show it right now. I'm frightened. I thought I would be able to, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want him to think of me. I don't want him to know what I think, what I feel. Can anyone understand that?

And he's my substitute for hope, I suppose. And distraction. I spend time thinking that I'm in love with him (because I want to be in love with him?), because he makes the world seem like a better place, because I can engage in excessive daydreaming through him. He gave me back my daydreams but I don't know if that's because I love him or if I love him because of that. And I don't know if it matters at all because love is love is love, right? But I don't know and I continue feeling guilty and inadequate because I think I must stop liking him at some point, because I don't know him IRL or that well on-line either. And I keep thinking this is an insanely stupid obsession and I should get rid of it asap, but I don't think I want to and that's wrong somehow, too.

And I know I ask too much. I ask undivided attention, and I'll never get that. And even if I do, it's not going to be enough because he isn't here. And I cannot bear the thought of not ever meeting him.

And I know I'm useless and I feel like shit about myself. And it makes me feel horrible and that makes me think I cannot ever love him. Because somehow I'm so utterly defect that I can never do anything properly and I dread the day when he'll realise it. There's nothing good in me, I only destruct and cause chaos, and I always destroy everything even remotely good I have in my life. And on the other hand, I can't shut him out because I've tried that and I know it doesn't work. Everything will end up in a catastrophe, a complete disaster and I'm afraid I'll drag him with me. I can deal with everything falling apart but not when I make someone else fall apart too. I can deal when it's only about me because I'm worth absolutely nothing to anyone, including myself. And when... if I happen to end up being worth something for someone... I can't live like this. I just can't. I want him to fuck off of my life before I destroy everything, before I destroy anything related to him. And I just can't live like this anymore. I almost hate him for liking me because it isn't fair, because everything is going to be ruined and I know I can't deal with that anymore. I can't even bear the thought of it. I can't bear the thought of him disappearing from my life but in a way it'd probably be so much better for him because I wasn't around to screw everything up.

I feel like dying whenever I think of him dying, and I'm desperate because I know that everything I hope for is bound to be destroyed and it's impossible anyway and it'll never come true. And sometimes I just have no hope of anything left, everything seems useless, horrible, not worth it. Everything's painful, nothing good is ever going to happen because this was the last thing I could hope for, the last thing I could graps before I sank. If this fails, everything fails. And I know this will fail.

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