28.6.2000 (?)

 
don't force me to.

don't.

don't force me to be.

i don't want to be. i don't want to.

not again.

please

not today.

[...]

Oh, what?!?

I want nothing. Stop asking.
I want no one.
Stop.

Could you please give me another reason to hate myself, because it makes me feel priviledged. If you hate me, at least I know I exist. If you ignore me, I am nothing. I am nothing, not even worth your hatred.

Please hate me because I know you cannot love me, that is pretty clear. I know I am a bad person. But I'm not so bad (please tell me I am not) that I deserve to be completely ignored. Show some mercy and hate me.

At least I know I'm alive if you hurt me.

Punish me. I deserve it. Tell me I deserve it. Because I have to deserve something, I have to be worth something.
(I need to be.)

If you'll ignore me long enough, I'll turn invisible. What, didn't you see Buffy?

(I want to be invisible. I want you to stop hurting me.)

I need to be visible. I need you to hurt me. I need to feel.
I need to suffer. I deserve it.

Oh, my cute little thing. I'm here to hurt you. (You're here to hurt me.)

Just touch me here, here, you cute little thing. You'll never tell you, will you? You'll never tell, you'll never remember, you'll never forget.
(You'll never talk.)

Here, here, slowly, gently. I know how to make you hurt. I know how to make you ashamed. I know how to abuse you. I know how to make you silent forever.

Don't talk, don't remember. Don't exist.

Do butterflies feel pain?