22.9.2000

If I hurry, I'll get this done before midnight. Before the change of day. Today was equinox. I meant to mention it but I forgot. I forget a lot of things.

But not as many as my mother.
Not as many as my father either.
Or my sister.

I carry them, inside me. I am them. I am their memories. I have their memories, none of my own.

Violent bursts of laughter.
Giggle.
Girly giggle. On the hallway, during the breaks. Giggle, because you can't cry. This is school, there's no crying in schools. Not during the breaks.

The lessons are an exception, but only to me.

I can easily avoid their eyes wherever I go. The cracks in the pavement must be counted. They must be organized and stepped over. The balance must be kept. The same amount of cracks for both legs, the same width and depth. No exceptions, no skipping. You turn back if you accidentally miss something, if you step on the wrong foot.

The balance must be kept.
There's no room for slipping.

There's no room. There's no room for breathing. The air hangs heavy, on your shoulders and your back, pushes you down harder. Become a part of the earth. 'Disappear,' it whispers, 'you'll be safe.' Safe from what? There's nothing to escape from. No memories.

'Cut it out.'
Cut it out of what? Cut it out of your brain? Erase the stains, the rot? Cut, with a surgical knife. Bloody. Sharp. Cut your fingers. Accidentally. The back of your palm. Your forehead. Sweep the blade across your skin. Softly. Easily. Erase everything in you head.

A black pit is safer.

A red pit is safer. It's known, you've been here. You've been here before. When the screams filling the air jam your lungs.

I lost the thread of thought. (Where did you go?)

But, 'train' of thought. A train. A death. Walk up and meet it, shake its hand, greet it. With a smile on your face. Because it's coming right through your door, kicked out of its rails, breaking apart every last shred of security you could have felt. It's the concrete wall in front of you.

The car avoids it, of course. But I didn't know that.

First suicide method.

Was that before or afterwards?

Was it Easter and when was the dog show?

Where did you go again?